jelly 23, Video

[bakegarasu]

[Otoha looks flat-out exhausted when he hops onto the network.]

The creepy empty-eyed kid who barely spoke was me. Yes, there's reasons for why. People who know me probably can guess.

For everyone else, I'm... sorry.

[Ugh, that feels weird in his mouth.]

If you wanna yell at me for being freaky I'm in the greenhouse for a while.

Comments

Greenhouse car

[worthallthis]

Soldat shows up once they've got something properly set out in the dining car, looking serious, but not angry. "No one is going to yell at you for being freaky," they say fiercely, without preamble. "And if anyone tries they will answer to me."

Look, they weren't kidding about defending Otoha, man. And yelling at someone for having a very difficult childhood is an awful thing to do, and anyone who tries deserves what they get.

[bakegarasu]

He kind of expected Soldat to show up, and he glances over at his friend. "... It's fine. I'm used to people being mad because of how I am. I really did come off like something out of a horror movie."

Being yelled at is normal for him, almost comfortable. It's this new frontier of people being kind and friendly to him that he's not used to.

[worthallthis]

"It is not fine. No one should be angry with you for something you can't help, that didn't hurt anyone, and was clearly because someone hurt you," Soldat says. They are immovable on this, Otoha, and they are surprisingly stubborn for such a normally mild, careful thing. "Anyone who tries deserves a good stabbing." (Ahem.) They subside a little with the correction, "Or at least a lecture on fucking manners."

cw: abuse scars

[bakegarasu]

“...” It’s nice to be so fiercely cared for, but it’s so strange. He rolls back his sleeves to look at his mismatched arms and closes his eyes. “I know what happened isn’t okay. Wasn’t okay. ... But it feels like it was, since that’s all I knew. It...”

He chuckles weakly and presses his face into his hands, inhaling sharply. “... Maybe I’m just crazy.”

[worthallthis]

"Only if I am, too," Soldat says, and pads the rest of the way over to crouch next to the planter Otoha is working on. It's probably not a fair comparison, given they're not a person, and also there's the whole Asset-Sarge-Pit thing, but it'll make their point well enough. "If it's all you know. Of course it seems normal. That's why you get to learn new things, now. I had to learn. I'm still fucking learning, and it's been a year and a half."

[bakegarasu]

“... it’s too easy to think that it was my fault.” He looks up at Soldat and then carefully leans against him. “... I don’t know how to convince myself that it’s not.”

[worthallthis]

Soldat sees the lean coming, and braces themselves, both physically and mentally. It's not too bad. There's no confining. They practiced letting Misty lean on them many times. And it might help Otoha. So they're steady, even though there's something in the back of their brain (probably the Asset) that wants to shake and hit things.

"Getting better takes a long time," they say quietly. "It's slow and uncomfortable and usually full of crying. I'm not there yet, either. But it's worth it." They lean back, just a little, just for a moment, and finish, "It's okay if you haven't figured it out yet. Don't think you have to."

Also Greenhouse Car

[kabano]

She doesn't bother responding to the video, she wouldn't know how to anyway. Regardless, this isn't the sort of conversation that should be had in any manner other than face-to-face. So she enters the car silently at first, with only the bell on her collar to give her away. She sits rather politely at Otoha's feet for a moment and looks up at him, curious, but unsure where to start. She has questions she'd never thought to ask before, but where does someone like her even begin with them?

Eventually she settles for a soft mew at first, just so he knows she's there. He's not alone.

[bakegarasu]

He hears the bell and waits for her to sit in front of him. He pats her gently on the head before drawing his hand back. "... I'm sure that was weird for you to feel. You okay?"

[kabano]

Yes, it was weird for her to feel, but she'll live. He probably will to, but he's also more likely to have strong feelings about it. She leans into his hand first, then changes back to her normal form, still seated and looking up at him.

"Are you?"

[bakegarasu]

He takes in a deep breath. "... Well. That wasn't a period of my life I wanted anyone to see. ... Physically, I'm fine. Otherwise... I'm not sure."

[kabano]

She is not good at this and she knows it. How exactly is she supposed to comfort someone when she's not a person and never had been? She's half tempted to flee and find one of his other friends to take care of this, but she stays put, thinking for a moment in silence before she speaks again.

"Tell me."

cw: physical/mental/emotional abuse

[bakegarasu]

"... Well." How to even begin? Will she even understand abuse? He's not sure. He has to try.

"... Growing up, I was treated as a weapon. A freak, a monster without pain or fear. I started being trained in weapons way younger than I should have. I was always told to shut up and stay in the corner, out of the way. They threw things at me for fun, put out cigarettes on my arms because they thought it was funny. I never got treated like a person."

He pulls his sleeve back and looks at his scarred arm. "I didn't get compassion. I didn't get touch. Hell, I'd never even had a hug before I got to the train and Ryo latched onto me like... like Reiji did."

His voice goes faint for a moment, but he continues. "... No one cared about me. I was told I shouldn't care about anyone else. So I shoved all of those feelings into a mental box. The only place I ever talked was school, and even then only when I was forced to. They wanted me to be nothing, just something that followed orders. ... So that's what I became, for them."

[kabano]

She listens--it's all she can do at first. She'd known parts of the story, but never all of it. She's quiet and unmoving through the entire thing, giving him her undivided attention while he speaks. Even after he finishes, it's a few more moments of silence before she has anything to say. Most of what she can think of is more "too little too late" than anything even resembling helpful.

"Otoha. Why did I choose you?"

Greenhouse Car

[firewalled]

[Rich comes to the greenhouse, but not to chew Otoha out. No, considering what he remembers the two of them sharing in that moment, he can't blame the younger Otoha for the way he acted.

And after so many people might have been exposed to something Otoha obviously wanted to hide? Yeah, Rich can imagine his friend isn't in a great state.

He comes by with a small bowl of soup, in case Otoha hasn't eaten yet, and some of the candy from his concert, giving Otoha a soft smile when he meets his eyes.]

Hey. This the designated moping spot? [Just. Teasing a little.]

[bakegarasu]

[He chuckles a little bit and takes the soup.]

Possibly. ... You, um.

... I never really asked. About...

[He gestures to the burns.]

... You don't have to tell me.

cw suicidal ideation, burning alive, that kind of thing.

[firewalled]

[Oh, geez. Right into the heavy stuff, huh? Rich hesitates a moment, before taking a seat on the bench next to Otoha and sighing.]

...Back when I still had the SQUIP, it had this plan to get everyone connected. It was hoping that if everyone in school could get a SQUIP, and then we all synced up, there'd be no human interference to stop everyone from being able to achieve their goals. We'd all be part of a literal social network... perfect and happy and predictable. It got me to stock up on pills, and... the plan was that at my friend's big Halloween party, I'd dose the punch with them.

[His gaze is distant, fingers twitching and reaching up to his scars as he relays the memory.]

I didn't know how else to stop it. I wasn't in control of my body anymore, not unless I fought... a-and I was so tired of fighting.

[He can almost feel the heavy weight of exhaustion now, along with the dull throb of his head along with the bass from the speakers, the static rushing through his brain deperately like overflowing water-

His fingernails dig hard into his scars, to bring himself back to reality.]

The last bit of fight I had in me was to stand in a puddle of gasoline and light a match.

[bakegarasu]

[He sets the soup down and carefully puts an arm around Rich's shoulders, pulling him in. Shit, does he want to rip that thing out of Rich. If he could do it without hurting the boy, he would. But that's nowhere near anything he knows how to do, so all he can do is be here for Rich.]

[Right?]

... I'm not saying that wasn't stupid, Rich. it was. But it was also very brave... willing to help people no matter the cost. It wasn't... it wasn't you. I know I haven't known you all that long, but that's not something you would do if you had a choice. You stopped it the only way you knew how.

cw continues

[firewalled]

[Rich gasps a bit in surprise as he's tugged in for an embrace. He hadn't... expected Otoha to get intimate, in such an uncomfortable situation. It doesn't mean it's not appreciated... he's just surprised. Maybe a little worried about what he'd have to do to get it taken away.]

I don't know if I'd call it stupid... I think it was. Kind of the best choice I had at the time. I know that really sounds dire, but...

[He hesitates, and takes a deep breath.]

I think you're wrong, Otoha. I think there's a chance I'd take it, even if I had other options. I don't... I'm still having trouble accepting that mine is the kind of life worth living.

[He lets out a bitter, dark laugh, despite the tears in the corners of his eyes.]

I-I mean, would have been easier to die than have to wake up and confront all the shitty things I used to do, right?

[bakegarasu]

Hey.

[He reaches up and wipes Rich's face. If he could just do something...]

I mean...

[He glances down at his sword. He doesn't regret killing the people he killed, but waking up and realizing exactly how fucked up he was... it hasn't been the most pleasant of experiences.]

Easier? Maybe. Better in the long run? ... Probably not.

[He just sits there and holds Rich for a minute.]

I didn't mean to make you... share shit you didn't want to. But for what it's worth, I'm glad you didn't succeed. I'd... I'd hate to lose one of my little brothers before I even met him.

[firewalled]

[Rich almost flinches away from the touch, rough fingers on his cheeks surprising, too gentle and caring for someone who's been without that contact for so long. He shivers softly, unsure of what to say, how to explain.

Instead, he just falls into Otoha's arms for a moment, just wrapping his arms around the taller man in turn and trying to stop himself from crying any harder.

Especially when Otoha says something like that. He gasps softly, looking up through his tears, mouth agape.]

Your... you mean you think I'm...?

[He really wants to think of someone like Rich as family?]

looks like you need a little optimism from a friendly train Spider-Man

[hashtagparkerluck]

Hey man, don't feel about that, okay?

We all have things we don't wanna talk about and you don't owe it to anyone to force yourself to relive trauma-if that's at play here.

You also don't owe anyone a conversation, okay? Even when you're a kid, if you don't wanna talk, you don't wanna talk and people should respect that.

[bakegarasu]

I mean there's 'don't want to talk' and 'actively told not to talk growing up'.

There's sort of a difference.

[hashtagparkerluck]

Oh. Yeah... that's true. I was kinda the opposite. I didn't talk because I didn't want to but uh-anyways.

At least you're out of that situation?

[bakegarasu]

... Through various methods of 'out', yes.