voidtreckernet | jelly 23, Video

... I'm the one who hurt me, Rich. In a way. I could have tried to escape sooner. I could have said no. I should have known that saying no was an option. Sure, there were systems around that should have caught what was happening, but it's my fault, too.

I don't know if I'll make those mistakes again. My armor should protect me, but I don't know... it's not my choice when to use it. Some people need to die for other people to live. I don't...

... I'm a little bit of a better person, but I don't think I'm a good one.

That's not true, Otoha! What the fuck? Don't pull this victim blaming bullshit with me. You know I couldn't have said no or gotten away either... so why is it different for you?

[He realizes the volume of his voice is too high, and he struggles to keep his anger down. He just hates the idea of Otoha putting himself down and blaming himself for the pain others caused him.]

You are a better person. What happened to you wasn't a mistake on your part but on the part of your family... and I won't let you die for the sake of anyone else.

[He hangs his head at being chastised, closing his eyes. It's different, but he knows Rich won't take that for an excuse.]

I don't plan on dying again any time soon. I have to be around to help protect you, after all.

[He can't really refute most of it, anyway.]

[Since Otoha doesn't know all the details, Rich certainly wouldn't have taken the excuse. He doesn't care how different it is, but he knows that Otoha didn't deserve what happened to him. No matter what Otoha could tell him.]

...That's not the only reason for staying alive, you know.

[But Rich has no choice but to accept it, after a long moment of staring back at Otoha, searching him for any sign of... well, any sign that he's as self-sacrificing as Rich is.]

But I'm glad you won't.

[He opens his eyes and looks back at Rich. He will absolutely sacrifice himself for Rich. He's replaceable. Rich isn't.]

I don't want any more bad things to happen to you. You're too good of a kid to let that happen.

... You don't have to say that. I mean, I'm trying, sure. But I wasn't a very good kid before I got here. Hell, you probably saw as much yesterday. I was a mess.

[Not that most of those issues were Rich's fault, but he can't help but look back on his past through that distorted lens his SQUIP had always used to describe how hopeless he was. He doesn't even realize he's doing it... it's just natural.]

... I think if we start comparing messes, both of us are going to lose. Besides...

[He gestures to his sword. Not really the mark of a good person, the way he'd used it most of his life.]

...Maybe. But I don't mind talking about it, if you need me to fill in any of the blanks.

[He just raises an eyebrow at the sword and shakes his head.]

You're using that for good now, though. And it sounds like... you were pretty much forced into doing bad things with it. It's pretty much like I was with the SQUIP.

I... guess.

[He rests his hand on Rich's shoulder and just takes a few moments to feel the contact. It's nice.]

... I'm curious. What did you want to be when you got older? As a kid, if not now.

[Rich is thoughful for a moment, but he knows the answer almost immediately. He just has to give himself the courage to say it.]

A singer. I wanted to be a performer, just like my mom. I liked other stuff, but that... that was the most important thing to me.

[It was a dream that ended rather quickly, one that died along with his mother.]

That sounds... really nice. You're already a performer. You performed for all of us. Doesn't that count?

[He ruffles Rich's hair gently, trying to reassure him.]

... I didn't have any dreams. I always lied on stuff when teachers asked. I think I said I wanted to be a doctor at some point.

[He sighs and moves his hand down to his brother's back.]

You just want to see other people smile while being able to show off a little, huh?

...I-I guess? I never really... thought about it. I thought it was just something nice I could do to lift people's spirits. It's not like it's something I can be back home.

[He hesitates and looks up at him.]

I always lied and told my teachers I'd go to college, like every other kid was planning to. Chances are I'm gonna be lucky if I finish high school.

[But the possibility of having some job where he can make people feel things, speak to their hearts and get through to them in a way he'd never managed before... it's tempting even now.]

I think you can do it.

[He got through high school mostly because everyone was afraid of his brother...]

I... can't offer much help on the school front, but I bet someone else could here, if you wanted to. And if it's a matter of bullies, I can take care of that.

Do what? Finish high school, maybe, but you're insane if I do anything else.

[He doesn't have the leverage he needs to accomplish anything more in life. He knows that, and he's content with it. Or he should have been, before that concert...]

It's not a matter of bullies. I just... I'm still in the hospital, and I'm going to have to pay off those bills, and somehow find time to study and really ace some exams to boost my marks up enough...

[Right, American healthcare bills... but still he shakes his head.]

There's got to be some resources that can help you. Especially with how awful your dad is.

[He didn't want to bring it up, but...]

You're not me. You can escape it. I know you can.

...I was wondering if you wanted to ask about that. I can tell you about him, but you're right that he's... pretty shitty.

[He shrugs his shoulders and bites his tongue against a sigh.]

I don't want to argue that you can't escape it. If you really think I can, I don't want to consider the same might not be true for you. You could... at least come to some other world, where you don't have to deal with them.

I... can’t do that. You know I can’t. I’m Shinjuku’s guardian.

... And I killed him. The group can try to go after me but he can’t. Not anymore.

[Wait, did he tell Rich that before?]

Then the city will have to find someone else. You... need to go somewhere else, especially to get away from the place where you had to kill him.

[Rich isn't going to blame him for a second for having to kill to get away. God knows he had nightmares about near misses with his dad. If he had done the same... it was self-defence, wasn't it? Even if it makes Rich feel queasy, it's self-defence.]

... Rich. You’re acting like I feel bad for killing him. I don’t.

[He locks eyes with Rich, trying to get him to see that he’s being totally honest.]

As messed up as he made me, I only cared about following his orders and protecting him because that was my role in the organization. He never loved me snd I never loved him. I’m glad that he’s dead.

...There isn't like a part of you that feels confused about it? Like... I mean, I hate my dad too, he's an awful, fucked up human being...

But he was still part of my life. And it's traumatizing to have to take that part of you out.

[Maybe Otoha is used to killing, so it's easier for him, but for Rich, the possibility of taking out a life that's supposed to be important, and dealing with the fact that you had to for your own safety... it's harrowing for him. He wishes his dad was dead, and also wishes he could somehow get better.]

No. Not really. I don't know why I should feel bad about a man who told me at least once a month that I should have died as a newborn?

[He knows most people would feel bad, but there was no love whatsoever between them.]

...Fuck, man. That's awful. But... what I'm talking about is feeling bad for yourself, for having to take a monster like that out of the picture. Parants are supposed to take care of their children, and knowing you can never have that because he's dead, and because you took him out...

[Rich sighs and runs a hand through his hair.] I don't know. I think I'd be pretty upset about it all.

No. I don't feel bad for myself. He became my target the instant he shot Reiji. ... I don't feel bad about taking out a target.

I was never going to have him care about me when he was alive, either. Even for half a dad he still did less than half a job.

...God, Otoha. That's... awful. I'm so sorry he did that to someone so important. I'm sorry he never bothered to care. It's just... you have to know that you didn't deserve it.

[And that's what Rich is trying to get at. Being expected to take down the person who was supposed to raise you... Forced to grow up too fast, to maybe even become less than human... sure, wallowing in self-pity doesn't help, but Rich would at least understand that was fucked up to go through.]

[Does he know? He's not sure. He's still conflicted. He knows that yes, probably he didn't. On the other hand he's a monster by birth and by actions.]

[At the idea of treating anyone 'important' with respect, he can't help it. He chuckles, shaking his head.]

If he cared about how he treated 'important' people he wouldn't have had sex with his own mother and called her a worthless whore when she did giving birth.

jelly 23, Video

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cw: explicit discussion of incest

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