voidtreckernet | jelly 23, Video

Soldat shows up once they've got something properly set out in the dining car, looking serious, but not angry. "No one is going to yell at you for being freaky," they say fiercely, without preamble. "And if anyone tries they will answer to me."

Look, they weren't kidding about defending Otoha, man. And yelling at someone for having a very difficult childhood is an awful thing to do, and anyone who tries deserves what they get.

He kind of expected Soldat to show up, and he glances over at his friend. "... It's fine. I'm used to people being mad because of how I am. I really did come off like something out of a horror movie."

Being yelled at is normal for him, almost comfortable. It's this new frontier of people being kind and friendly to him that he's not used to.

"It is not fine. No one should be angry with you for something you can't help, that didn't hurt anyone, and was clearly because someone hurt you," Soldat says. They are immovable on this, Otoha, and they are surprisingly stubborn for such a normally mild, careful thing. "Anyone who tries deserves a good stabbing." (Ahem.) They subside a little with the correction, "Or at least a lecture on fucking manners."

“...” It’s nice to be so fiercely cared for, but it’s so strange. He rolls back his sleeves to look at his mismatched arms and closes his eyes. “I know what happened isn’t okay. Wasn’t okay. ... But it feels like it was, since that’s all I knew. It...”

He chuckles weakly and presses his face into his hands, inhaling sharply. “... Maybe I’m just crazy.”

"Only if I am, too," Soldat says, and pads the rest of the way over to crouch next to the planter Otoha is working on. It's probably not a fair comparison, given they're not a person, and also there's the whole Asset-Sarge-Pit thing, but it'll make their point well enough. "If it's all you know. Of course it seems normal. That's why you get to learn new things, now. I had to learn. I'm still fucking learning, and it's been a year and a half."

“... it’s too easy to think that it was my fault.” He looks up at Soldat and then carefully leans against him. “... I don’t know how to convince myself that it’s not.”

She doesn't bother responding to the video, she wouldn't know how to anyway. Regardless, this isn't the sort of conversation that should be had in any manner other than face-to-face. So she enters the car silently at first, with only the bell on her collar to give her away. She sits rather politely at Otoha's feet for a moment and looks up at him, curious, but unsure where to start. She has questions she'd never thought to ask before, but where does someone like her even begin with them?

Eventually she settles for a soft mew at first, just so he knows she's there. He's not alone.

He hears the bell and waits for her to sit in front of him. He pats her gently on the head before drawing his hand back. "... I'm sure that was weird for you to feel. You okay?"

Yes, it was weird for her to feel, but she'll live. He probably will to, but he's also more likely to have strong feelings about it. She leans into his hand first, then changes back to her normal form, still seated and looking up at him.

"Are you?"

He takes in a deep breath. "... Well. That wasn't a period of my life I wanted anyone to see. ... Physically, I'm fine. Otherwise... I'm not sure."

She is not good at this and she knows it. How exactly is she supposed to comfort someone when she's not a person and never had been? She's half tempted to flee and find one of his other friends to take care of this, but she stays put, thinking for a moment in silence before she speaks again.

"Tell me."

"... Well." How to even begin? Will she even understand abuse? He's not sure. He has to try.

"... Growing up, I was treated as a weapon. A freak, a monster without pain or fear. I started being trained in weapons way younger than I should have. I was always told to shut up and stay in the corner, out of the way. They threw things at me for fun, put out cigarettes on my arms because they thought it was funny. I never got treated like a person."

He pulls his sleeve back and looks at his scarred arm. "I didn't get compassion. I didn't get touch. Hell, I'd never even had a hug before I got to the train and Ryo latched onto me like... like Reiji did."

His voice goes faint for a moment, but he continues. "... No one cared about me. I was told I shouldn't care about anyone else. So I shoved all of those feelings into a mental box. The only place I ever talked was school, and even then only when I was forced to. They wanted me to be nothing, just something that followed orders. ... So that's what I became, for them."

She listens--it's all she can do at first. She'd known parts of the story, but never all of it. She's quiet and unmoving through the entire thing, giving him her undivided attention while he speaks. Even after he finishes, it's a few more moments of silence before she has anything to say. Most of what she can think of is more "too little too late" than anything even resembling helpful.

"Otoha. Why did I choose you?"

... That isn't a question he expected, and he blinks in confusion for a second before thinking about it.

"... Because I can follow orders. Because I know how to fight. Because I have a lot to make up for. ... Because I understand sorrow." That other Karas... he'd never gotten her name, but her words still stuck with him.

"Because you know the depth of human suffering and fight to change it. Because you know how the world must change and possess the desire to change it. Because you care--about both of our worlds and the people in them. Because you survived monsters and became more than they were."

Anyone could be taught to follow orders or how to fight. Once they were in that armor they were all but invincible anyway. But the conviction in her voice and her expression is wholly genuine. Whether or not he believes her is up to him.

"You were never nothing."

He looks down at her and hesitates before putting a hand on her shoulder. "... I... that's true. I... don't want people to suffer like I have. ... I felt like I was nothing for a long time. But now I can do something good with my life."

However long that ends up being. He doesn't have to worry about running out of time anymore.

"... The whole time I was alive, I never really lived. I want to live now. With you, with the yokai, with the humans, with the people on this train. All of them are important."

"That is why." Then she stands, looking directly into his eyes for half a moment, then takes half a step closer. She doesn't quite touch him, but she stands there for a while, hoping he can at least feel some comfort from her. She's not exactly the type to offer physical contact.

"I still need you, my Karas."

Soldat sees the lean coming, and braces themselves, both physically and mentally. It's not too bad. There's no confining. They practiced letting Misty lean on them many times. And it might help Otoha. So they're steady, even though there's something in the back of their brain (probably the Asset) that wants to shake and hit things.

"Getting better takes a long time," they say quietly. "It's slow and uncomfortable and usually full of crying. I'm not there yet, either. But it's worth it." They lean back, just a little, just for a moment, and finish, "It's okay if you haven't figured it out yet. Don't think you have to."

He pulls back when he feels Soldat tense up, not wanting to make the other feel any more uncomfortable than this conversation already is.

"... I've got... a lot of scars. Some would probably make you mad. I don't... have the ability to heal those scars and I don't think I'd want to. I still... feel like they're my fault. Outside of the battle scars, I mean." He pauses. "Including the one my father gave me the day before I got here."

Eh.

"With stuff like that... keeping perspective is hard."

"... Thanks." He reaches out and squeezes her hand gently before letting it go. "... You saved me. Twice. I never really got to thank you for that. So... thank you. For saving my life. For seeing something worth saving."

"It's gonna take time," they reiterate. Frankly, expecting himself to keep that in perspective after only a few weeks of freedom here on the train (And with a handler right the fuck there. Tone it down, there, pal. I know. I'm fine.) isn't remotely reasonable, and they know it. They aren't really that uncomfortable, either. It's not the best, but it's by far not the worse. Soldat is better at keeping their own cool when someone else needs them to, than when they need themselves to.

They smile faintly, in the general direction of Otoha's face. "And you don't gotta do it all on your own, either. You got me. You got other friends here, I know you do. So I'm gonna remind you right now: it ain't your fault. They were shitty people who should never've had a kid. I'll remind you any time you need it. Yeah?"

Edited (let's finish that thought, shall we) 2021-02-19 00:15 (UTC)

"Yeah, I know they were shitty people who should've never had a kid." He laughs weakly and stares at the ground. "I wasn't wanted. They said - well he said, I never knew... her... he said that he should have flushed me down the toilet the day I was born, that I should have died with that whore. Whoever she was."

He'd grown numb to it. That doesn't mean it's okay, but he's numb enough to it to repeat it.

[Rich comes to the greenhouse, but not to chew Otoha out. No, considering what he remembers the two of them sharing in that moment, he can't blame the younger Otoha for the way he acted.

And after so many people might have been exposed to something Otoha obviously wanted to hide? Yeah, Rich can imagine his friend isn't in a great state.

He comes by with a small bowl of soup, in case Otoha hasn't eaten yet, and some of the candy from his concert, giving Otoha a soft smile when he meets his eyes.]

Hey. This the designated moping spot? [Just. Teasing a little.]

[He chuckles a little bit and takes the soup.]

Possibly. ... You, um.

... I never really asked. About...

[He gestures to the burns.]

... You don't have to tell me.

Kinda like how Soldat can pretty easily talk about a lot of what they went through. It was just normal, at the time, even though they're used to people reacting badly to it. (Maybe don't do that, here. Yeah, I know, Sarge.)

"Wow, what an asshole." They say it with carefully crafted understatement, voice dry as a bone, both to diffuse potential upset on Otoha's part, and to show they aren't going to make a fuss, themselves. Even if it's pretty awful. And also probably a lie, just meant to keep Otoha down-- if he really wasn't wanted, he'd have been killed or exiled, not kept as another mouth to feed. "Well, you're wanted here."

jelly 23, Video

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cw: severe verbal/emotional child abuse

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