voidtreckernet | jelly 23, Video

He kind of expected Soldat to show up, and he glances over at his friend. "... It's fine. I'm used to people being mad because of how I am. I really did come off like something out of a horror movie."

Being yelled at is normal for him, almost comfortable. It's this new frontier of people being kind and friendly to him that he's not used to.

"It is not fine. No one should be angry with you for something you can't help, that didn't hurt anyone, and was clearly because someone hurt you," Soldat says. They are immovable on this, Otoha, and they are surprisingly stubborn for such a normally mild, careful thing. "Anyone who tries deserves a good stabbing." (Ahem.) They subside a little with the correction, "Or at least a lecture on fucking manners."

“...” It’s nice to be so fiercely cared for, but it’s so strange. He rolls back his sleeves to look at his mismatched arms and closes his eyes. “I know what happened isn’t okay. Wasn’t okay. ... But it feels like it was, since that’s all I knew. It...”

He chuckles weakly and presses his face into his hands, inhaling sharply. “... Maybe I’m just crazy.”

"Only if I am, too," Soldat says, and pads the rest of the way over to crouch next to the planter Otoha is working on. It's probably not a fair comparison, given they're not a person, and also there's the whole Asset-Sarge-Pit thing, but it'll make their point well enough. "If it's all you know. Of course it seems normal. That's why you get to learn new things, now. I had to learn. I'm still fucking learning, and it's been a year and a half."

“... it’s too easy to think that it was my fault.” He looks up at Soldat and then carefully leans against him. “... I don’t know how to convince myself that it’s not.”

Soldat sees the lean coming, and braces themselves, both physically and mentally. It's not too bad. There's no confining. They practiced letting Misty lean on them many times. And it might help Otoha. So they're steady, even though there's something in the back of their brain (probably the Asset) that wants to shake and hit things.

"Getting better takes a long time," they say quietly. "It's slow and uncomfortable and usually full of crying. I'm not there yet, either. But it's worth it." They lean back, just a little, just for a moment, and finish, "It's okay if you haven't figured it out yet. Don't think you have to."

He pulls back when he feels Soldat tense up, not wanting to make the other feel any more uncomfortable than this conversation already is.

"... I've got... a lot of scars. Some would probably make you mad. I don't... have the ability to heal those scars and I don't think I'd want to. I still... feel like they're my fault. Outside of the battle scars, I mean." He pauses. "Including the one my father gave me the day before I got here."

Eh.

"With stuff like that... keeping perspective is hard."

"It's gonna take time," they reiterate. Frankly, expecting himself to keep that in perspective after only a few weeks of freedom here on the train (And with a handler right the fuck there. Tone it down, there, pal. I know. I'm fine.) isn't remotely reasonable, and they know it. They aren't really that uncomfortable, either. It's not the best, but it's by far not the worse. Soldat is better at keeping their own cool when someone else needs them to, than when they need themselves to.

They smile faintly, in the general direction of Otoha's face. "And you don't gotta do it all on your own, either. You got me. You got other friends here, I know you do. So I'm gonna remind you right now: it ain't your fault. They were shitty people who should never've had a kid. I'll remind you any time you need it. Yeah?"

Edited (let's finish that thought, shall we) 2021-02-19 00:15 (UTC)

"Yeah, I know they were shitty people who should've never had a kid." He laughs weakly and stares at the ground. "I wasn't wanted. They said - well he said, I never knew... her... he said that he should have flushed me down the toilet the day I was born, that I should have died with that whore. Whoever she was."

He'd grown numb to it. That doesn't mean it's okay, but he's numb enough to it to repeat it.

Kinda like how Soldat can pretty easily talk about a lot of what they went through. It was just normal, at the time, even though they're used to people reacting badly to it. (Maybe don't do that, here. Yeah, I know, Sarge.)

"Wow, what an asshole." They say it with carefully crafted understatement, voice dry as a bone, both to diffuse potential upset on Otoha's part, and to show they aren't going to make a fuss, themselves. Even if it's pretty awful. And also probably a lie, just meant to keep Otoha down-- if he really wasn't wanted, he'd have been killed or exiled, not kept as another mouth to feed. "Well, you're wanted here."

He takes a deep breath, then another. He pushes his hands through his hair, trying to pull himself together.

"... Thanks. It's... hard to understand why, sometimes. But it's still nice to hear."

"Yeah, I know. I didn't get it for a long time, either. When Misty told me she loved me. I didn't even. I had no frame of reference." They fold their arms across their upraised knees, drop their chin onto them. God, they miss her. "I told her I didn't know if I loved her back. If I even could. I figured it out, eventually, and of course I could, and did. But it took a while."

"... What kind of love?" He's aware there are... multiple kinds.

They glance over, looking vaguely amused. It's a valid question, they suppose. "Not the kissing kind. I don't really want that. But I admit that's really all I can say for sure."

"Okay. I'm just... hm." He shakes his head and looks at them. "... Do you wish she was here?"

"More than anything." They look back across the greenhouse car. "When I first woke up in Beacon. I was lost. I didn't know how to be without orders. So. I made myself handlers. She was one of them for... I don't now, six months, maybe. Up until I realized she wasn't, anymore, she was something else. She never really wanted the title or the role, but she still was careful and kind, and helped me in the ways I needed."

“... Can’t replace her, and I don’t want to. But I’m here if you need me. Uh. Any of you need me?” He’s not sure anymore. “... I’m a fuckup in my own way, but I promised to protect you.”

How to put this... “I’m a protector of my city and the people in it. As far as I’m concerned, you’re part of my city.”

Otoha gets a small, sweet little smile. "Thanks." (Good kid. Team. Aw, Asset learned a new word.) "We're on the same team. Watch each other's backs."

Then, because they can, they add, "And I don't think you're a fuck-up. No insulting yourself when I'm around, got it?"

"... I'll try." It's... hard. To shake that kind of conditioning. Even when he won and saved the city, there was still so much destruction.

He sighs deeply and stretches a little bit. "... Were you headed somewhere, or did you just come here to find me?"

Trying is all they can ask. "I came here specifically for you," they say with a lop-sided smile. "To defend you against anyone who might think to yell at you. For the kid thing. Not that I think anyone will."

"That's... nice of you." He brushes his hair out of his face and tilts his head a little at Soldat. "... You hungry?"

"Otoha. I am always hungry. It's a thing." But they look kind of wry when they say it, self-deprecating rather than offended. "You offering to go get food with me?"

"... Yes, Soldat, I am offering to go get food with you. If you haven't noticed, I'm bad at this talking thing." His tone is flat, but he can't help but break 'character' by smiling slightly.

"It could've been an attempt to distract me!" they protest, but lightly and with a smile, and push back up to their feet. They offer Otoha a hand up, too. "Come on. Let's see if there's any chocolate in the storage car. That always makes me feel better."

He snickers and also gets up. “I can make a few things now. Taste test for me? Rich is too nice sometimes...”

and wrap!

worthallthis - 2021-02-22 23:05 (UTC) - Expand

jelly 23, Video

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cw: abuse scars

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cw: severe verbal/emotional child abuse

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I think we can end here!

and wrap!