voidtreckernet | jelly 23, Video

...Maybe. But I don't mind talking about it, if you need me to fill in any of the blanks.

[He just raises an eyebrow at the sword and shakes his head.]

You're using that for good now, though. And it sounds like... you were pretty much forced into doing bad things with it. It's pretty much like I was with the SQUIP.

I... guess.

[He rests his hand on Rich's shoulder and just takes a few moments to feel the contact. It's nice.]

... I'm curious. What did you want to be when you got older? As a kid, if not now.

[Rich is thoughful for a moment, but he knows the answer almost immediately. He just has to give himself the courage to say it.]

A singer. I wanted to be a performer, just like my mom. I liked other stuff, but that... that was the most important thing to me.

[It was a dream that ended rather quickly, one that died along with his mother.]

That sounds... really nice. You're already a performer. You performed for all of us. Doesn't that count?

[He ruffles Rich's hair gently, trying to reassure him.]

... I didn't have any dreams. I always lied on stuff when teachers asked. I think I said I wanted to be a doctor at some point.

[He sighs and moves his hand down to his brother's back.]

You just want to see other people smile while being able to show off a little, huh?

...I-I guess? I never really... thought about it. I thought it was just something nice I could do to lift people's spirits. It's not like it's something I can be back home.

[He hesitates and looks up at him.]

I always lied and told my teachers I'd go to college, like every other kid was planning to. Chances are I'm gonna be lucky if I finish high school.

[But the possibility of having some job where he can make people feel things, speak to their hearts and get through to them in a way he'd never managed before... it's tempting even now.]

I think you can do it.

[He got through high school mostly because everyone was afraid of his brother...]

I... can't offer much help on the school front, but I bet someone else could here, if you wanted to. And if it's a matter of bullies, I can take care of that.

Do what? Finish high school, maybe, but you're insane if I do anything else.

[He doesn't have the leverage he needs to accomplish anything more in life. He knows that, and he's content with it. Or he should have been, before that concert...]

It's not a matter of bullies. I just... I'm still in the hospital, and I'm going to have to pay off those bills, and somehow find time to study and really ace some exams to boost my marks up enough...

[Right, American healthcare bills... but still he shakes his head.]

There's got to be some resources that can help you. Especially with how awful your dad is.

[He didn't want to bring it up, but...]

You're not me. You can escape it. I know you can.

...I was wondering if you wanted to ask about that. I can tell you about him, but you're right that he's... pretty shitty.

[He shrugs his shoulders and bites his tongue against a sigh.]

I don't want to argue that you can't escape it. If you really think I can, I don't want to consider the same might not be true for you. You could... at least come to some other world, where you don't have to deal with them.

I... can’t do that. You know I can’t. I’m Shinjuku’s guardian.

... And I killed him. The group can try to go after me but he can’t. Not anymore.

[Wait, did he tell Rich that before?]

Then the city will have to find someone else. You... need to go somewhere else, especially to get away from the place where you had to kill him.

[Rich isn't going to blame him for a second for having to kill to get away. God knows he had nightmares about near misses with his dad. If he had done the same... it was self-defence, wasn't it? Even if it makes Rich feel queasy, it's self-defence.]

... Rich. You’re acting like I feel bad for killing him. I don’t.

[He locks eyes with Rich, trying to get him to see that he’s being totally honest.]

As messed up as he made me, I only cared about following his orders and protecting him because that was my role in the organization. He never loved me snd I never loved him. I’m glad that he’s dead.

...There isn't like a part of you that feels confused about it? Like... I mean, I hate my dad too, he's an awful, fucked up human being...

But he was still part of my life. And it's traumatizing to have to take that part of you out.

[Maybe Otoha is used to killing, so it's easier for him, but for Rich, the possibility of taking out a life that's supposed to be important, and dealing with the fact that you had to for your own safety... it's harrowing for him. He wishes his dad was dead, and also wishes he could somehow get better.]

No. Not really. I don't know why I should feel bad about a man who told me at least once a month that I should have died as a newborn?

[He knows most people would feel bad, but there was no love whatsoever between them.]

...Fuck, man. That's awful. But... what I'm talking about is feeling bad for yourself, for having to take a monster like that out of the picture. Parants are supposed to take care of their children, and knowing you can never have that because he's dead, and because you took him out...

[Rich sighs and runs a hand through his hair.] I don't know. I think I'd be pretty upset about it all.

No. I don't feel bad for myself. He became my target the instant he shot Reiji. ... I don't feel bad about taking out a target.

I was never going to have him care about me when he was alive, either. Even for half a dad he still did less than half a job.

...God, Otoha. That's... awful. I'm so sorry he did that to someone so important. I'm sorry he never bothered to care. It's just... you have to know that you didn't deserve it.

[And that's what Rich is trying to get at. Being expected to take down the person who was supposed to raise you... Forced to grow up too fast, to maybe even become less than human... sure, wallowing in self-pity doesn't help, but Rich would at least understand that was fucked up to go through.]

[Does he know? He's not sure. He's still conflicted. He knows that yes, probably he didn't. On the other hand he's a monster by birth and by actions.]

[At the idea of treating anyone 'important' with respect, he can't help it. He chuckles, shaking his head.]

If he cared about how he treated 'important' people he wouldn't have had sex with his own mother and called her a worthless whore when she did giving birth.

[Rich is pretty sure the fact that Otoha has adopted him makes him the furthest thing from a monster. If he was a monster, he wouldn't care so much for other people, and want to protect his city.

He's just been... in a lot of messed up situations. That much is very apparent from what Otoha says next, causing Rich to inhale sharply.]

Yeah... I mean, it's obvious that he's a monster. It's just that how he treated people doesn't determine your worth, or anyone's worth.

...I'm sorry if I'm not making sense or arguing too much. I just... I worry about you.

... I know you do. I... worry about you, too. You're important to me.

[He's just not sure what to say. He's not sure how to make him understand.]

[Rich is at a loss for words too, so instead of bothering, he just... leans in to squeeze him tight again, pressing his head into Otoha's shoulder.]

Sorry. I'm sorry...

[He just wants Otoha to take care of himself...]

... It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong.

[He wraps his arms around Rich tightly, firmly.]

I'll keep you safe. You have any problems, you can run to me. If you need to talk, you can run to me - I'll listen, even if I don't completely understand. If you have a nightmare, you can run to me. I've got you, all right?

...Okay, I... okay.

[He takes a few slow breaths, but then looks up at Otoha with a slightly desperate frown.]

As long as you promise you'll do the same if you're in trouble, okay? I know I don't look it, but I really can handle it. I want to help you. I just... want you to know you aren't alone.

... I can only promise to try.

[That's the best he can offer. None of this is natural for him, all of this is new... it's going to take a while.]

...I think that's probably all I can ask for. Thank you, though. I'm glad we can talk...

[If Rich is just patient (which admittedly, isn't one of his strong suits), he might be able to get Otoha to take care of himself a little better.]

jelly 23, Video

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cw: explicit discussion of incest

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