voidtreckernet | jelly 23, Video

[Oh, geez. Right into the heavy stuff, huh? Rich hesitates a moment, before taking a seat on the bench next to Otoha and sighing.]

...Back when I still had the SQUIP, it had this plan to get everyone connected. It was hoping that if everyone in school could get a SQUIP, and then we all synced up, there'd be no human interference to stop everyone from being able to achieve their goals. We'd all be part of a literal social network... perfect and happy and predictable. It got me to stock up on pills, and... the plan was that at my friend's big Halloween party, I'd dose the punch with them.

[His gaze is distant, fingers twitching and reaching up to his scars as he relays the memory.]

I didn't know how else to stop it. I wasn't in control of my body anymore, not unless I fought... a-and I was so tired of fighting.

[He can almost feel the heavy weight of exhaustion now, along with the dull throb of his head along with the bass from the speakers, the static rushing through his brain deperately like overflowing water-

His fingernails dig hard into his scars, to bring himself back to reality.]

The last bit of fight I had in me was to stand in a puddle of gasoline and light a match.

[He sets the soup down and carefully puts an arm around Rich's shoulders, pulling him in. Shit, does he want to rip that thing out of Rich. If he could do it without hurting the boy, he would. But that's nowhere near anything he knows how to do, so all he can do is be here for Rich.]

[Right?]

... I'm not saying that wasn't stupid, Rich. it was. But it was also very brave... willing to help people no matter the cost. It wasn't... it wasn't you. I know I haven't known you all that long, but that's not something you would do if you had a choice. You stopped it the only way you knew how.

[Rich gasps a bit in surprise as he's tugged in for an embrace. He hadn't... expected Otoha to get intimate, in such an uncomfortable situation. It doesn't mean it's not appreciated... he's just surprised. Maybe a little worried about what he'd have to do to get it taken away.]

I don't know if I'd call it stupid... I think it was. Kind of the best choice I had at the time. I know that really sounds dire, but...

[He hesitates, and takes a deep breath.]

I think you're wrong, Otoha. I think there's a chance I'd take it, even if I had other options. I don't... I'm still having trouble accepting that mine is the kind of life worth living.

[He lets out a bitter, dark laugh, despite the tears in the corners of his eyes.]

I-I mean, would have been easier to die than have to wake up and confront all the shitty things I used to do, right?

Hey.

[He reaches up and wipes Rich's face. If he could just do something...]

I mean...

[He glances down at his sword. He doesn't regret killing the people he killed, but waking up and realizing exactly how fucked up he was... it hasn't been the most pleasant of experiences.]

Easier? Maybe. Better in the long run? ... Probably not.

[He just sits there and holds Rich for a minute.]

I didn't mean to make you... share shit you didn't want to. But for what it's worth, I'm glad you didn't succeed. I'd... I'd hate to lose one of my little brothers before I even met him.

[Rich almost flinches away from the touch, rough fingers on his cheeks surprising, too gentle and caring for someone who's been without that contact for so long. He shivers softly, unsure of what to say, how to explain.

Instead, he just falls into Otoha's arms for a moment, just wrapping his arms around the taller man in turn and trying to stop himself from crying any harder.

Especially when Otoha says something like that. He gasps softly, looking up through his tears, mouth agape.]

Your... you mean you think I'm...?

[He really wants to think of someone like Rich as family?]

... If you want to be. I think of you and Ryo as little brothers.

[He carefully reaches over to touch the scarred part of Rich's face, just holding his hand there gently.]

You're a good guy. Doesn't matter where you're from or what you were before, you're Rich. You're a good guy and someone... who's braver than he knows. I've... got my own scars, not just on my arm. You've got yours.

Doesn't mean it's who we are, right?

That's... Otoha...

[He can feel his eyes overflowing with tears, but he reaches up to grab Otoha's wrist so he doesn't think about pulling away. He just... needs a minute to breathe. To understand that this is real.]

I didn't think that anyone would care about me this much. I'm no one special. Even with the scars, I'm just... I'm Rich.

[But the way Otoha says it makes him feel like it's something more than just his name.]

I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doubting you... y-you're a really good guy too. For caring about me.

It's fne. Just being who you are is more than good enough.

[Otoha takes Rich's other hand, gently guiding it down to his chest. He presses it against his shirt a little above his stomach. There's a long scar there, very apparent once he has his hand on it.]

You're not the only one with scars. I just hide mine. ... You don't have a choice to hide them.

[Rich's eyes go wide for a moment, when he feels what feels like a particularly nasty scar, but he doesn't want to breach Otoha's privacy just to see it.]

Is it... from your family hurting you?

[He bites his lip, thinking about the faint scars running up his back.]

You aren't the only one with scars left by people who pushed you down. I can hide some of my scars. It's just... this one's the most obvious.

That one... that one I got in a fight. My father mostly just gave me the burns... I have some others that are from my... trainers.

[He hesitates a moment before shrugging his coat off and then tugging up his shirt. As skinny as he is, he's got some decent muscle definition. He also has a lot of scars.]

... People... get freaked out from this stuff. That's part of why I hide it. It's easier to not deal with awkward questions than to wear short sleeves.

...Otoha...

[Rich is completely speechless. He doesn't know what he could say or do. He's certainly not freaked out, not at Otoha, at least, but he doesn't know how to possibly say it. He just stares at him for a moment...

...but then he nods, and turns around. He lifts up the back of his shirt, so Otoha can see a number of thin scars that look like circuitry. They run all the way up his back, underneath his binder and ending on his neck.]

This is the only one I can really hide. I don't have any from... my dad, but my SQUIP was just another type of that shitty control I couldn't fight against. If I fought, this was my punishment.

[He slowly lets the fabric back down, and turns back to Otoha with a sad smile.]

I know it's hard to talk about this shit. I don't blame you for wanting to hide it. For me, the burns are just a reminder of all the shit people used to do to me, all the shit from my old life I can burn away now. That's what I try to tell myself.

...So those cuts are your reminder too. That that was your old life, and it isn't who you are anymore, right?

[He looks at the scars and puts a careful hand on top of Rich's head, ruffling his hair very slightly before pulling back. He pulls his shirt down and pulls his coat back on.]

... Sometimes I wonder. Some of them were punishment. A lot of those are from being hurt on missions. The arm and my ear... those got blown off by Ushi-Oni. It's... a mix. I... know that my life is just going to have me end up with more scars, especially if I fight without my armor.

My old life won't leave me that easily. I... had to... get a scan at medical. Ichigo's concerned about one of the bullets... uh. Moving.

[He taps one of his scars over his clothes and draws it to the side slightly.]

There's a major blood vessel there, apparently.

I can't... escape the past.

Edited 2021-02-25 19:51 (UTC)

[Rich feels his face go a bit red. Being treated so childishly should annoy him, but it's a nice break from the tension, really. Even if the rest of what Otoha says just worries him even more.

He grabs for Otoha's hand, holding it between the two of them.]

...I'm really sorry that's happening to you. I know trying to take care of your body when you've been hurt is really hard.

[Don't talk to him about burns. He's still learning things daily that he needs to deal with in regards to them, and likely will have to deal with for his whole life.]

It's impossible to escape your past, sure. But that's... not what I meant. I mean... the reason I have these scars is because I tried to run away from my problems instead of facing them, so I can't make that same mistake again.

...I meant that your scars are your map to the future. A future where you learn from what hurt you, and you learn how to be better because of it. I-I know it sounds really corny...

[Even Rich has to admit it's maybe too optimistic, no matter how good he wants to be. He looks away from Otoha for a moment, sheepish.]

... I'm the one who hurt me, Rich. In a way. I could have tried to escape sooner. I could have said no. I should have known that saying no was an option. Sure, there were systems around that should have caught what was happening, but it's my fault, too.

I don't know if I'll make those mistakes again. My armor should protect me, but I don't know... it's not my choice when to use it. Some people need to die for other people to live. I don't...

... I'm a little bit of a better person, but I don't think I'm a good one.

That's not true, Otoha! What the fuck? Don't pull this victim blaming bullshit with me. You know I couldn't have said no or gotten away either... so why is it different for you?

[He realizes the volume of his voice is too high, and he struggles to keep his anger down. He just hates the idea of Otoha putting himself down and blaming himself for the pain others caused him.]

You are a better person. What happened to you wasn't a mistake on your part but on the part of your family... and I won't let you die for the sake of anyone else.

[He hangs his head at being chastised, closing his eyes. It's different, but he knows Rich won't take that for an excuse.]

I don't plan on dying again any time soon. I have to be around to help protect you, after all.

[He can't really refute most of it, anyway.]

[Since Otoha doesn't know all the details, Rich certainly wouldn't have taken the excuse. He doesn't care how different it is, but he knows that Otoha didn't deserve what happened to him. No matter what Otoha could tell him.]

...That's not the only reason for staying alive, you know.

[But Rich has no choice but to accept it, after a long moment of staring back at Otoha, searching him for any sign of... well, any sign that he's as self-sacrificing as Rich is.]

But I'm glad you won't.

[He opens his eyes and looks back at Rich. He will absolutely sacrifice himself for Rich. He's replaceable. Rich isn't.]

I don't want any more bad things to happen to you. You're too good of a kid to let that happen.

... You don't have to say that. I mean, I'm trying, sure. But I wasn't a very good kid before I got here. Hell, you probably saw as much yesterday. I was a mess.

[Not that most of those issues were Rich's fault, but he can't help but look back on his past through that distorted lens his SQUIP had always used to describe how hopeless he was. He doesn't even realize he's doing it... it's just natural.]

... I think if we start comparing messes, both of us are going to lose. Besides...

[He gestures to his sword. Not really the mark of a good person, the way he'd used it most of his life.]

...Maybe. But I don't mind talking about it, if you need me to fill in any of the blanks.

[He just raises an eyebrow at the sword and shakes his head.]

You're using that for good now, though. And it sounds like... you were pretty much forced into doing bad things with it. It's pretty much like I was with the SQUIP.

I... guess.

[He rests his hand on Rich's shoulder and just takes a few moments to feel the contact. It's nice.]

... I'm curious. What did you want to be when you got older? As a kid, if not now.

[Rich is thoughful for a moment, but he knows the answer almost immediately. He just has to give himself the courage to say it.]

A singer. I wanted to be a performer, just like my mom. I liked other stuff, but that... that was the most important thing to me.

[It was a dream that ended rather quickly, one that died along with his mother.]

That sounds... really nice. You're already a performer. You performed for all of us. Doesn't that count?

[He ruffles Rich's hair gently, trying to reassure him.]

... I didn't have any dreams. I always lied on stuff when teachers asked. I think I said I wanted to be a doctor at some point.

[He sighs and moves his hand down to his brother's back.]

You just want to see other people smile while being able to show off a little, huh?

...I-I guess? I never really... thought about it. I thought it was just something nice I could do to lift people's spirits. It's not like it's something I can be back home.

[He hesitates and looks up at him.]

I always lied and told my teachers I'd go to college, like every other kid was planning to. Chances are I'm gonna be lucky if I finish high school.

[But the possibility of having some job where he can make people feel things, speak to their hearts and get through to them in a way he'd never managed before... it's tempting even now.]

cw suicidal ideation, burning alive, that kind of thing.

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