[Video] Imagination 10

[ayao]

Nie Mingjue, Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang, would you mind meeting me in the Library? I have something important to discuss with you.

[He looks down unhappily, unable to even meet the eyes of those who might see this transmission. As long as it reaches those he intends, that is all that matters.]

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[lanxichen]

[ Xichen does reply, with a soft 'of course', and then finds his way to the library car.

His voice is still soft as he greets and his face tired, but something has relaxed a notch in his eyes, in his body language, for the few days he has been here. ]

Young master Meng. Did the mission go well for you?

[ Neutral beginning, so that the other man feels less pressure for starting the conversation he asked for. Old habits die hard. ]

[ayao]

I...did not go. [He has had other concerns, which has led to seemingly endless research. Though he knows it is incredibly impolite, he stays seated.

His legs feel too weak to hold him.]

Will you sit with me, Zewu-Jun? Please?

[lanxichen]

Ah. [ Xichen nods. ] Was the train different, when not in the void, and with many of us not here?

[ He does sit, and doesn't register the lack of politeness as he and ... this man are equals, other than a little seniority. His expression doesn't alter for the worse. ]

[ayao]

It was...quieter. I was able to do a lot of reading. [He waits for Xichen to sit before closing his eyes and finding his courage.]

Did you know that there can be illnesses of...the mind?

[lanxichen]

Ah... yes. We have rarely found more knowledge, but ... yes, illness of the mind is not something unknown.

[ People may or may not have said so of Xichen's mother. Or... suggested. ]

[ayao]

[He pushes a book towards Xichen that details psychopathy in particular.]

It sounds like my father, doesn't it?

[lanxichen]

[ Xichen takes a little while to read through, trying to make sense, though many of the words are new as a congregated concept. In the end, his eyebrows draw in. ]

It sounds ... like several people with authority that I have known, over the years.

[ Jin Guangshan, perhaps, but also Wen Ruohan.

And, in some ways, Jin Guangyao as well, but Xichen keeps that thought very deep inside. ]

[ayao]

[He nods slowly, closing his eyes as if the subject pains him. And it does.]

My father and...myself, correct? [When he at last looks at Xichen again, he is paler than before.] I have made a decision to...accept my father's rejection in full. I am relinquishing the small part of my heart that wished - and dreamed - he would accept me if I worked hard enough.

[lanxichen]

[ Xichen's eyes widen slightly at the reveal of his own thought, but he cants his head to one side. ]

Wen Ruohan was not that different. [ Not denying, but not confirming the way it was phrased either, because he cannot do either with honesty.

Instead, his fingers rest on the book. ] Does this say how to heal...?

[ Then his eyebrows scrunch together, eyes squeezing shut for a moment. ]

It... is probably not easy for you to do so.

[ayao]

[He shakes his head gently at the question, cautiously covering Xichen's hand with his own.]

I carry...a lot of pain...from what my father did to me. To my mother.

It can't be good for me to hold onto him; to the Jin. I think releasing all ties to him - to the Jin - has to be the first step.

[lanxichen]

[ Xichen hesitates, then turns his palm beneath Meng Yao's fingers. ]

It pains to say that no matter how much you did, how you sacrificed, he never... chose otherwise. But it is the truth.

And you tried. It - if you would listen to those who would love and accept you, it would be much gentler on you, first.

[ayao]

[He suspected as much. Why else would he call himself Jin Guangyao and not Jin Ziyao? His father doesn't choose him. It doesn't matter what he does or how hard he tries to catch his attention, it will never be enough.]

I am listening to you. [Meng Yao makes that point by carefully lacing their fingers together.] I'm sorry for treating you as less important. That isn't how I feel.

[lanxichen]

[ Xichen's fingers tighten slightly. ]

It is righteous and right, to wish to do well by one's parents. By one's father. But I also...

I always thought you did listen.

I would ask - if something that I say, or expect, makes you uncertain why, makes you question, or disagree - tell me. Ask me. It would do little good if you hide in silence for fear of offending.

[ayao]

[The gentle chiding strikes deep and Meng Yao focuses on their hands.]

Why did you give me a chance to know you at the beginning, Zewu-Jun? I have always been unworthy of you.

[lanxichen]

[ Xichen shakes his head at the words immediately. ]

We are all the same, in a way. Everyone has told you that you are unworthy, because of your birth, because you have been given less chance of education, but I do not believe those things make you less than me. So long as you would act in good faith and try your best...

To me, you would be no less than me.

[ayao]

Zewu-Jun has a big heart. [What else can he say? That heart has enchanted him since they first met.] I don't know many men like you. I'm sorry...for everything. I will spend my time on this train trying...to be the man you thought I was.

[lanxichen]

... young master Meng. [ There is a slight waver in Xichen's voice.

Back then, at the end. Jin Guangyao did not apologize. Did not feel remorse. About any of it, towards anyone. ]

It... trying that will be enough, for me, so long as you are trying and not pretending. That will make all the difference.

And if you ever think you have no choice, no matter what it is about - please talk to one of us. No matter how small the issue.

[ayao]

[He touches the book.] Now that I realize I may not be thinking...clearly...I will go to you or Chifeng-Zun. Once I develop good habits, I think we will all sleep much better.

[Meng Yao gazes at the other man sadly, longing clear in his eyes.]

I wouldn't pretend with you or him. This is me.

[lanxichen]

[ Xichen nods. ] I think - this might be one of the signs that you may not be thinking clearly. But yes, you need not face all of it alone.

I will - try to read more about these illnesses of the mind. And how they can be alleviated. But if you do not turn your back on the truth, and on us, we will not turn our back on you, either.

[ It will not be unconditional, not even with Xichen. But he will not turn away.

After a moment. ]

Huaisang... is very angry. I know he might be hurtful, but in some ways, his sight can be very clear. If he gives out a warning that a course of action is wrong, pay attention, too?

[ayao]

I'm afraid I do not follow? [Xichen had told him to ask and so he will. He is. Meng Yao craves to know what separates him from this man; what went so wrong that he decides, in the future, to give up everything?]

I am facing the truth, Zewu-Jun. I want to turn and run, but I'm not.

[He shifts and bunches the fabric over his thighs in his fists.]

I want him to guide me. Of course I will listen. I wish I could quell his anger.

[lanxichen]

[ Xichen shakes his head slightly. ] I apologize. I have had ... a long time to think on all the things you said and did, in the end. That you had no choice - you kept repeating that to justify what you did. So I will assume that it... will mean to you something, eventually.

[ He wasn't doubting that Meng Yao will ask - only explaining why the request.

And about Huaisang, Xichen sighs. ]

Try to... put yourself in his place. He trusted you and loved you, and he knew that his brother loved you, too. But then you turned around and destroyed his brother, who was the world to him. You even used him to make it worse.

You here and now have done it. But to him, the betrayal is still raw and painful. A bleeding wound cannot be staunched by telling it to stop bleeding.