voidtreckernet | Poi 05

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Poi 05 - Voice

...It's Rich.

[Might as well not bother with preamble, though that's certainly odd for him. Odder still that he has the video off, even if there's still the faint strumming of guitar suggesting that he's nervously plucking at strings as he often does.]

I'm 18 now, according to the roster. Guess I missed my birthday. I knew it was coming up, but I was kinda distracted with stuff.

[Like having a mental crisis for the better part of two months at least.]

Anyways, was just wondering like... what's the longest someone's been stuck here before they got to go back home? Maybe, uh, maybe it was wishful thinking? But I was kinda thinking with the whole Ministry investigation and how fucking useless I am on the missions that the train would boot me off by now.

[He's really trying to laugh, trying to make that sound like a joke.]

Just. Was thinking about it. At this point, my friends back home probably assume my dad stabbed me or shit... maybe they'll believe those messages we got to send at that river, but more likely they'll think I'm nuts.

[Just another certified Rich Goranski Comedy Routine. He'll be here all week, folks.]

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It's selfish when I feel this way more often than not, and when I'm asking for help more than anyone else is.

[A sigh escapes him, but he bites back on his bitterness and instincts to lash out. He knows this is coming from a place of kindness, even if it seems to ring hollow.]

I might not be useless, but on this train, when 99% of people are supersoldiers with mind-bending powers? It's hard to feel like I'm doing my part.

I don't think it's selfish to feel that way, Rich. I think it's human. And I think it's better to ask for help a lot than to never ask for help at all. Most of us on the Train have trouble asking for help when we really need it. Think we can get by ourselves.

[Zag pops up onto his feet. One quick stretch and he's out the door.]

Where are you right now, mate? At least let me come give you a hug, or something?

Yeah, well, I'm still one of the more broken humans out there, even if I get all this help.

[And when he's like this, he shouldn't be reaching out to help even when it's offered. He hasn't done anything to deserve it. Still, he finds himself mumbling an answer.]

Just in my sleeper car. I really don't think you should bother, but it's your funeral.

Being broken doesn't make you any less, Rich. If anything, it gives you a chance to form into something new.

... got it. I'll meet you there, if that's all right.

[And after a little bit, there'll be a knock on Rich's door!]

[After a few minutes of standing awkwardly at his own door, Rich decides that he'd feel bad not letting someone who wants to help into his room, and so he opens the door, guiltily looking anywhere except at Zagreus.]

Uh... hey. You can come in...

[This is... embarrassing. He barely knows this guy!]

[Zagreus doesn't seem to think it's awkward, giving a little wave of his hand, sliding into the room as soon as Rich says he can come in. He turns off his flaming feet mostly as a courtesy measure.]

Hey, Rich. You holding up all right in the whole six seconds it's been since I spoke to you last? [He grins, nudging Rich teasingly with his elbow.] But seriously, it's good to see you again. Despite the less than stellar circumstances. Speaking of which - would you care for a hug?

[And he extends his arms in the universal offering gesture.]

[Rich feels his tension subside just slightly when Zagreus' feet stop smouldering. He obviously doesn't talk about it with everyone, but it's clear from his scars that him and fire don't mix.]

I'm holding up as well as I can, yeah. I, um, didn't think you'd want to see me.

[Much less offer a hug, one that Rich feels a little too guilty to turn down. He kind of slumps into Zagreus' arms and... damn, he hates to admit that he needed that.]

[Zag cocks his head to the side questioningly; not judgmentally, just, curious.]

Oh? Why's that? Did you think I was mad, or something?

[Zag wraps his strong warrior arms around Rich, squeezing him tight to his chest. They're about the same height, thankfully, so resting his head on Rich's shoulder is easy. His laurels, while they look like fire, are more like a warm breeze against Rich's skin than anything, and any that escape from Zag's head instantly dissolve into ash in the air. More of a cool visual effect than anything else, but there is a soothing warmth to them.]

You're all right, mate. I'm here for you, okay? Anything you need, whether it's someone to listen, or to cuddle with, or just to joke around with.

[He gives Rich a few soothing rubs between his shoulderblades before pulling away, smiling while still loosely gripping Rich's shoulders.] And if you want me to go, now, I'll do that too, but... you seem like you'd rather not be alone right now.

Oh, it's... it's not that I thought you were mad, just. I know I'm annoying when I'm like this. I don't listen to people, and I lash out at anyone who tries to help, and I just- fuck, I'm so stupid.

[He squeezes his eyes shut against tears threatening to escape and reaches up to grab onto the back of Zag's clothes. He's being so idiotic he doesn't know whether it's okay to accept this comfort or not. When Zagreus pulls away, he shivers, already seeming to miss the warmth, and he shakes his head.]

I don't want to be alone, but... I don't know if I need to. I don't really know anything, I guess.

I don't find you annoying, or stupid. I just feel like you're hurting and you've not had someone to confide in, lately, is that right? I know the feeling, unfortunately. I used to always talk to Achilles when I was feeling that way, but he hasn't been on the Train, so lately it's been... difficult, you know? And I bet it's been hard for you, too.

[The desperate grip onto the back of his clothes startles him, a little. Zagreus immediately moves forward again at the shiver, wrapping Rich back up in his arms.]

Then we can just figure it out together, right? It's not like I need to be somewhere. You can have me as long as you want or need me.

I-I guess not... I mean, I used to talk to Dev or Otoha before, but sometimes they're busy and.

[He swallows hard around the lump in his throat.]

And I'm still getting used to reaching out anyways. I haven't done it for years. My dad nearly killed me when he heard I was seeing a therapist.

[He swears under his breath, but having Zagreus hug him a little longer eventually gives him the courage to loosen his grip, and step back, wiping at his eyes stubbornly.]

Dev and Otoha... they're good people. Just reach out to them again when you feel like it, all right? I'm sure they'll make time for you. They're good guys, both of them.

[Even if Zag is still a little salty about Thanatos asking Otoha to watch him.]

... I'm really sorry to hear that. Your father sounds like a right piece of work. I... know what it's like, to have a Father who belittles you at every turn, treats you like you can never do anything right... it just chips away at you, you know?

[He's just going to gloss over the fact that his own Father has definitely succeeded in killing him, multiple times.]

Apologies, didn't mean to bring all that up, all the sudden. I can tell this is hard, and I don't want to overwhelm you.

I tried talking to Otoha, but I don't know if he understood what the problem was. And I think Dev's probably gotten tired of me.

[It's such a bitter, cynical thing to think, but when Rich has needed help so many times, he can understand why it would get frustrating for someone more capable, like Devero. Someone too old to deal with a bratty kid, someone who has their own life outside of some brat looking up to them...

He folds one arm across his chest to half-hold himself, a worried furrow in his brow.]

I... wish you didn't know what that was like. My dad's never believed me about my problems... even who I am. Granted, he doesn't even believe he has problems, so I know that's just a problem with the way he was raised, but it's still exhausting.

[His eyes go a little wide, to realize that Zagreus might feel ashamed about wanting to get this off his chest too.]

N-No, it's okay. If you need to talk about your dad, I don't mind. I mean, uh, as someone who's dealt with a couple abusive pieces of shit, there isn't a lot that can surprise me.

Dev's a good person. Patient, understanding too. I don't think he'd get tired of you, especially if you're his friend. [Which he hopes Rich is, if he's nicknaming him Dev.] And as for Otoha... he may not understand where you're coming from, but he listens. But even so... if you don't think the two of them can help you right now, then I'm here. I'll listen, to whatever you want to talk about, Rich. Even stuff you think might be too trivial, or too depressing, or nonsensical. I'll do my best to keep up.

[He laughs softly, amused that a mortal could reflect his own feelings on his family so closely. As much as it hurts, he feels so understood in this moment. At least he knows where Rich is coming from, even if it's a shitty place to be. It makes it easier to understand.] Gods, mate, this isn't about me, it's about you! I've talked enough about my Father to people on the Train to know it's not exactly a pleasant subject. I don't want to burden you with all that, when you're having a hard time as it is. Maybe when you're feeling better, I'll tell you all about it.

[And as long as Rich seems to be okay with it, he's going to keep the physical closeness going, grasping Rich's hand gently with his own, in a loose enough grip that Rich can pull away any time he wishes.]

He is a good person. I just... think after everything, it's hard to be patient with me. He's seen me go through all kinds of shit, and I still keep pushing him away. Same with Otoha. I keep... [He bites his lip for a moment, but he shakes his head after a moment, stubbornly continuing on.]

I keep pushing people away, so I don't make friends. I'm not... used to having friends, and it's, it's easier without them. If I don't have friends here I care about, I don't have to feel guilty, you know? I don't have to feel like shit about how much I miss home.

[He doesn't pull his hand away yet, but he's pulled taut like one of his guitar's strings, looking for any excuse to escape.]

It's not like there's anything for me there, so I don't even know why I'm so fixated on it...

I understand the impulse. When I first ran away from home, I didn't even think about telling Than, and that really hurt him. I thought he'd never forgive me. But I apologized, and we're better now. Maybe all you need to do is acknowledge to them that you are trying to do better. Even if you stumble, still, at least you've extended that olive branch.

[Zagreus squeezes Rich's hand, a little, but still allows him the chance to pull away if he wants. He doesn't want to force any intimacy on Rich that is unwanted, but Gods on Mount Olympus, does Rich remind him so much of himself. It's a wonder this mortal can understand his point of view so clearly. That their situations are similar in so many ways. It's almost painful how close their lives weave, nearly intertwining in places. He hopes the pain Rich has suffered pales in comparison to his.]

Gods, right? The build-up inside of you is... it's the worst part, honestly. I know Father isn't going to have changed, even if I have. Can't wait for the lecture that's inevitably waiting for me. But... I still want to go back there, even if I hate it. Because it's home, you know? And the people who do care about me... I want to see them too. Even if it's painful, even if they're mad at me for being gone for so long... I miss them, and I want to see them.

I don't... want an olive branch. [He mutters that, bitter and angry, but there's a quiet desperation in his tone, an affirmation that wishes to be challenged.] I know I don't deserve forgiveness. I'm more stumbling than trying at this point. No one's going to put up with that.

[He finally pulls his hand away, folding his arms up over his chest. To defend himself or to posture as tougher than he feels, he can't tell.]

No one back home will have changed their minds. Least of all me. I made a mess of things, and- and here, I'm doing the same thing. For fuck's sake, I let her control me again, I'm obviously just as selfish as I was before! I'm lucky I haven't burnt the whole train down yet!

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Poi 05 - Voice

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