Poi 05 - Voice

[firewalled]

...It's Rich.

[Might as well not bother with preamble, though that's certainly odd for him. Odder still that he has the video off, even if there's still the faint strumming of guitar suggesting that he's nervously plucking at strings as he often does.]

I'm 18 now, according to the roster. Guess I missed my birthday. I knew it was coming up, but I was kinda distracted with stuff.

[Like having a mental crisis for the better part of two months at least.]

Anyways, was just wondering like... what's the longest someone's been stuck here before they got to go back home? Maybe, uh, maybe it was wishful thinking? But I was kinda thinking with the whole Ministry investigation and how fucking useless I am on the missions that the train would boot me off by now.

[He's really trying to laugh, trying to make that sound like a joke.]

Just. Was thinking about it. At this point, my friends back home probably assume my dad stabbed me or shit... maybe they'll believe those messages we got to send at that river, but more likely they'll think I'm nuts.

[Just another certified Rich Goranski Comedy Routine. He'll be here all week, folks.]

Comments

[firewalled]

I tried talking to Otoha, but I don't know if he understood what the problem was. And I think Dev's probably gotten tired of me.

[It's such a bitter, cynical thing to think, but when Rich has needed help so many times, he can understand why it would get frustrating for someone more capable, like Devero. Someone too old to deal with a bratty kid, someone who has their own life outside of some brat looking up to them...

He folds one arm across his chest to half-hold himself, a worried furrow in his brow.]

I... wish you didn't know what that was like. My dad's never believed me about my problems... even who I am. Granted, he doesn't even believe he has problems, so I know that's just a problem with the way he was raised, but it's still exhausting.

[His eyes go a little wide, to realize that Zagreus might feel ashamed about wanting to get this off his chest too.]

N-No, it's okay. If you need to talk about your dad, I don't mind. I mean, uh, as someone who's dealt with a couple abusive pieces of shit, there isn't a lot that can surprise me.

[dyingpro]

Dev's a good person. Patient, understanding too. I don't think he'd get tired of you, especially if you're his friend. [Which he hopes Rich is, if he's nicknaming him Dev.] And as for Otoha... he may not understand where you're coming from, but he listens. But even so... if you don't think the two of them can help you right now, then I'm here. I'll listen, to whatever you want to talk about, Rich. Even stuff you think might be too trivial, or too depressing, or nonsensical. I'll do my best to keep up.

[He laughs softly, amused that a mortal could reflect his own feelings on his family so closely. As much as it hurts, he feels so understood in this moment. At least he knows where Rich is coming from, even if it's a shitty place to be. It makes it easier to understand.] Gods, mate, this isn't about me, it's about you! I've talked enough about my Father to people on the Train to know it's not exactly a pleasant subject. I don't want to burden you with all that, when you're having a hard time as it is. Maybe when you're feeling better, I'll tell you all about it.

[And as long as Rich seems to be okay with it, he's going to keep the physical closeness going, grasping Rich's hand gently with his own, in a loose enough grip that Rich can pull away any time he wishes.]

[firewalled]

He is a good person. I just... think after everything, it's hard to be patient with me. He's seen me go through all kinds of shit, and I still keep pushing him away. Same with Otoha. I keep... [He bites his lip for a moment, but he shakes his head after a moment, stubbornly continuing on.]

I keep pushing people away, so I don't make friends. I'm not... used to having friends, and it's, it's easier without them. If I don't have friends here I care about, I don't have to feel guilty, you know? I don't have to feel like shit about how much I miss home.

[He doesn't pull his hand away yet, but he's pulled taut like one of his guitar's strings, looking for any excuse to escape.]

It's not like there's anything for me there, so I don't even know why I'm so fixated on it...

[dyingpro]

I understand the impulse. When I first ran away from home, I didn't even think about telling Than, and that really hurt him. I thought he'd never forgive me. But I apologized, and we're better now. Maybe all you need to do is acknowledge to them that you are trying to do better. Even if you stumble, still, at least you've extended that olive branch.

[Zagreus squeezes Rich's hand, a little, but still allows him the chance to pull away if he wants. He doesn't want to force any intimacy on Rich that is unwanted, but Gods on Mount Olympus, does Rich remind him so much of himself. It's a wonder this mortal can understand his point of view so clearly. That their situations are similar in so many ways. It's almost painful how close their lives weave, nearly intertwining in places. He hopes the pain Rich has suffered pales in comparison to his.]

Gods, right? The build-up inside of you is... it's the worst part, honestly. I know Father isn't going to have changed, even if I have. Can't wait for the lecture that's inevitably waiting for me. But... I still want to go back there, even if I hate it. Because it's home, you know? And the people who do care about me... I want to see them too. Even if it's painful, even if they're mad at me for being gone for so long... I miss them, and I want to see them.

[firewalled]

I don't... want an olive branch. [He mutters that, bitter and angry, but there's a quiet desperation in his tone, an affirmation that wishes to be challenged.] I know I don't deserve forgiveness. I'm more stumbling than trying at this point. No one's going to put up with that.

[He finally pulls his hand away, folding his arms up over his chest. To defend himself or to posture as tougher than he feels, he can't tell.]

No one back home will have changed their minds. Least of all me. I made a mess of things, and- and here, I'm doing the same thing. For fuck's sake, I let her control me again, I'm obviously just as selfish as I was before! I'm lucky I haven't burnt the whole train down yet!