voidtreckernet | Nebula 5

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Nebula 5

Heard we're supposed to be having another mission soon... seems a bit like every time we get beat down, we have a nice break, then have to get beat down even harder, huh?

[Rich is starting to get tired of this, honestly. He's trying not to let it show on his face, but the bags under his eyes probably still make it obvious. At least he seems to be back to his talkative self, though he has to admit... it's just because he can't take the silence anymore.]

Anyways, I've been thinkin' a lot about the stuff I miss back home. Video games and cheesy movies, and fast food courts in malls that seem like a great vibe until two hours later when you've barricaded yourself in a bathroom stall. All the stuff we don't have a lot of here. And I think there's one thing we're sorely missing, which is memes.

[He smirks a little.] I mean, I could do an acoustic riff on Astley if anyone wanted it, but I wonder if we have better than that.

Maybe we could use that laptop to make new ones? Yknow, all that bottom text goodness? Though I guess we couldn't really use them as reaction images on these terminals...

Anyways, I guess, what's the one thing you wish you had here, that the train just can't replace for you? So whatever you can't buy from the store. I'm in a nostalgic kinda mood.

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Honestly, it is not as if I have anything better to do on this godforsaken train.

[ .. there's a slight pause following that statement, because it sure sounds a lot more like the usual Alice. Blunt, direct.

But Alice also is well aware it's just a partial cover for the more caring thing she said a moment ago, so after that pause, she adds: ]

And I doubt any of your problems would be a bother to me. You can tell me anything.

I guess you're right that there aren't a lot of opportunities to have fun...

[At least, probably not for a girl like Alice, who's so averse to the normal ways of leisure and communication. Really, it's a wonder that she corrects herself and admits she wants to hear what Rich has to say. Of course, that admission just makes him flush and look away.]

...I appreciate that. It probably sounds surprising, considering how talkative I usually am, but I didn't like to talk much about my problems before.

[ Alice sucks in a breath, and when she breathes it back out, words come out alongside it. ]

Some people talk a lot without saying much.

[ It sounds cryptic, like something she heard someone say once upon a time in Wonderland, and now she's repeating it. But she figures that he gets it. She means to say she understands, and that some people talk a lot to cover up the things they don't want to say. ]

Would it still bother you now to share your problems?

[It doesn't at all sound cryptic to Rich. He was very well trained by his SQUIP, learning to fill a room with his voice without actually giving anyone any information that could be used against him. He had friends, but he knew how to keep them at arm's length. And once the SQUIP was gone, it was hard to figure out if he should push people back farther or reach out to pull them in.

Alice has only known him as his own person, but it doesn't make it any less hard for him to figure that out. He exhales slowly, and gives her a careful smile.]

...No. Not with you, anyways. I think I'd be okay talking about that.

...

Thank you.

[ It's a bit of a belated answer, and a bit of an awkward one, but she does say it. It's mostly awkward since Alice has absolutely no clue what to say in a situation like this - but that answer feels the most "right". It's only fair to thank him for the trust he's chosen to place in her, right? Alice of all people knows how difficult that kind of thing can be. ]

Then do talk to me about things if you ever feel yourself needing to do so. It shouldn't be hard to find me on the train. [ Even though they share a room.. but, you know, just for the times he might want to talk while both of them aren't in their room! ]

Y-Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

[He hesitates then, just about as awkward as Alice seems to be, and fidgets in place for a moment, before looking back towards the screen with a cautious little smile. This might be a little bit easier than trying to explain memes to her.]

Are you in our room now? Maybe you, uh, wouldn't mind talking?

[ Alice isn't in their room, but.. well, she figures that shouldn't really stop her from answering all the same, especially when Rich is bringing it up like this. ]

I can go there right now.

[ That's as good as a direct 'yes' would have been, really. ]

So we can talk. [ Because if there's anything he wants to tell her, she'll listen. ]

Yeah. Just to talk. About whatever.

[Dammit, he's already trying to back out of it. He doesn't like explaining all of this, but if anyone deserves it, it's Alice, so he heads back to the room shortly.]

[ Apparently Rich is the first to arrive. Perhaps Alice was just a little bit further away from the sleeper carriages, because though it doesn't take too long for her to show up once he's already there, she's still the later one.

Her expression is relatively pleasant though. By Alice standards. Which is to say that she doesn't quite look as grumpy as otherwise, her expression much closer to something truly neutral as she greets him. ]

Rich. You haven't been waiting for me for too long, right?

[ Here she is now though! ]

[He doesn't mind having some time to wait. It gives him time to sort out his thoughts, try to understand why, exactly, he needs so badly to talk to someone. It used to be easier to just go alone. To just accept he was the only one he needed, even if he knew deep down he'd been relying on the SQUIP for most of that time he claimed to be independent.

He doesn't know why he's so homesick, or lonely. He doesn't know how Alice is going to get to the bottom of it.

At least seeing her in a good mood seems to make him smile, just a bit.]

No, not long. It's okay, I was just closer to the carriage than you were.

[ She lets out a soft sound, as if in acknowledgement of his answer, before she moves to sit down on the edge of their bed. ]

So.. Are you still not quite feeling good?

[ Sure, she doubts the feeling would suddenly and magically have vanished for him - but it's more of an opening, to see what he's willing to say. ]

[He winces softly as she asks that question, eyes darting away from her as he forces himself to take a deep breath.]

Just... a little homesick, I guess. I've been thinking about it for a long time. Just wondering about the people back there that I know and wondering what they think of me, I guess. If they're thinking of me at all.

[God, he's already starting to ramble. He's such a mess.]

Hmm.

[ It's a soft sound of acknowledgement, but nothing more yet for a moment. Alice finds she really has to think about these things. It's easy for her to be blunt, that comes to her naturally, but it's so much harder to try and be delicate about matters that deserve some delicateness - like Rich's feelings.

So she can't just say 'I don't know, everyone probably forgot about us by now', no matter how much she would've said that in any other situation. ]

How close are you to these people in your world? [ Maybe it's better to gauge that first, before she says anything else. Alice folds her hands in her lap. ]

It's, uh. It's complicated.

[He stares down at his hands, turning them over and finding himself particularly interested in tracing the swirls of skin that make up his burns.]

A lot of them... didn't really know me. Not the real me, you know? With that whole SQUIP thing, I was putting on an act for a lot of them. I really wanted to know them better, though? If... if they'd give me a chance after being so shitty to them.

Do they already know that was not the real you?

[ Alice isn't quite sure when the SQUIP's influence over him ended, after all. Was it right before he got pulled onto the train? After he was pulled here? Or perhaps even a while before he ended up here?

It makes it hard to tell how much those people might have known about him. ]

Otherwise I can imagine that it is quite awkward to sit around here, never having been able to explain it to those people.

They only knew for around a week, probably. I... was in the hospital, after um, wh-what I did to stop it.

[His fingers absently twitch and rub against the swirling burn scars.]

So when people visited and I was awake, I guess I tried to explain it to them, but I don't know if all of them understood.

[Especially with the rumour mill going wild and making up excuses that weren't 'driven mad by a supercomputer.']

My best friend probably just thinks I'm an asshole. His house got burnt down and for all he knows, I was just drunk and stupid.

[ She slowly exhales. ]

I am sorry that the train took the chance away from you to make up with them. [ After all, as far as Alice knows, right now they're just.. gone in their own worlds. What must the people Rich knows have thought, for that to happen and then for him to suddenly disappear like that? It would have seemed incredibly odd, right? ]

But.. perhaps you will get the chance to properly explain things to them once you get back. Maybe they really have been worrying about you all this time, and will just glad to see you alive.

You... you don't need to apologize. It's not your fault. I mean, if it's anyone's, it's mine. [Though even he can admit that he didn't have a lot of time or energy to turn over a new leaf before he was taken like that. He was focusing on healing until he could see them again...

He tries to smile, but he doesn't know if he looks successful.] I guess that's something I've got to hope for, right? I don't think they'll worry that much, with the school's rumour mill going nuts about me, but... at least then they could hear from my own mouth what actually happened.

If we truly want to get technical, there are a whole lot more factors one needs to count in here, other than just your behaviour.

[ After all, if Rich's world wasn't such a weird place where computers can control your brain, a concept Alice truly has been trying to wrap her mind around in her own way, then none of this mess would even have happened in the first place.

Alice finds that these sorts of things often are able to be traced back to shitty worlds. Or a handful of terrible people. ]

You always blame yourself so much. [ Her tone doesn't sound like it's scolding him - more just like she's pointing it out. It's not like it's the first time she has done as much, after all. ]

...I guess so. There are other factors. I just need to make it clear that my behaviour is one of them. It's an important one.

[He already knows where this is going, before she even speaks up. People here have often wondered why Rich is so determined to blame himself for everything, and sure, he knows he's not completely to blame for everything that happened. He knows that... as much as he knows that he doesn't deserve the sympathy that comes with that easy way out.

He sighs heavily and shakes his head.]

If I hadn't been such a miserable asshole, the SQUIP wouldn't have been able to use me the way it did. Simple as that.

[ Alice isn't too sure of it. Even with her limited knowledge of computers - or most things related to technology, really - she's pretty sure that computers would have been able to do that sort of thing, regardless of one's personality.

But on the other hand, she also doesn't want to push too hard. She doesn't know all the details, after all. What exactly Rich was like, what exactly happened - there's no way to view it all from some objective point of view when it's all Rich recalling it.

So rather than focusing on that, she instead asks something that feels more important and productive here. ]

But.. does it make you feel better, thinking about it that way? [ That's the important part here, isn't it? ] Or does it just make you feel worse?

[The question takes Rich aback, and he has to resist the impulse to go on the defensive for his own crusade of self-hatred. He feels like this always leads to people pitying him, and it irks him to think that no one understands why he just wants to hold on to that blame.

He manages to rein it in, but there's still a hint of bitterness in his tone.]

Don't think it'd make me feel worse than the people I hurt, but it's what I can do.

[He brings his knees up to his chest to rest his forehead against them, voice muffled from between his legs.]

Just forget it, okay? I don't want you feeling bad for me. Everyone already treats me like a charity case for my dad and the burns. I don't need the charity because I bought a stupid supercomputer and got myself fucking brainwashed.

[ Alice opens her mouth, looking confused.

Then she closes it again, clearly thinking twice about speaking too quickly here, even though she's used to being direct. But clearly - judging by Rich's reactions - being direct is not the right option in this situation, so she has to think of what else to say then. How to word any of this. ]

Is it.. a bad thing to feel sorry for another person where you come from?

[ She doesn't look upset as she says it - just confused. Like Alice genuinely doesn't understand this concept. No one has ever felt sorry for her, so it's just something she can't seem to wrap her mind around. ]

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Nebula 5

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