Nebula 5

[firewalled]

Heard we're supposed to be having another mission soon... seems a bit like every time we get beat down, we have a nice break, then have to get beat down even harder, huh?

[Rich is starting to get tired of this, honestly. He's trying not to let it show on his face, but the bags under his eyes probably still make it obvious. At least he seems to be back to his talkative self, though he has to admit... it's just because he can't take the silence anymore.]

Anyways, I've been thinkin' a lot about the stuff I miss back home. Video games and cheesy movies, and fast food courts in malls that seem like a great vibe until two hours later when you've barricaded yourself in a bathroom stall. All the stuff we don't have a lot of here. And I think there's one thing we're sorely missing, which is memes.

[He smirks a little.] I mean, I could do an acoustic riff on Astley if anyone wanted it, but I wonder if we have better than that.

Maybe we could use that laptop to make new ones? Yknow, all that bottom text goodness? Though I guess we couldn't really use them as reaction images on these terminals...

Anyways, I guess, what's the one thing you wish you had here, that the train just can't replace for you? So whatever you can't buy from the store. I'm in a nostalgic kinda mood.

Comments

[firewalled]

I... yeah. It's, it's just that I really thought it could help, and I thought if it was just for a couple minutes, I could deal with it...

[And if he could deal with it, he wouldn't be nearly as useless as he had been to everyone on this train.

He nods slightly when Yondu mentions how Cherry must have felt.]

I think she was upset. I don't know if she... still trusted Jack or not, but she was worried about me, when she found out. I should have tried to talk to her a lot sooner.

[yondu]

Well, I ain't gonna apologize for lookin' out for her, but if I knew what it was he did I woulda asked ya what you woulda wanted done about it. Somethin' should have been. [But he doesn't know that something was. It all went down pretty quietly, comparitively.]

[firewalled]

No! No, I wouldn't want you to apologize, it still was my fault, so... and I talked to him, so I was willing to give him a chance to get his shit together.

[Until he left, and isn't it strange that thinking about that gets him moody instead of relieved?]

[yondu]

Yeah, well... Considering how much shit he got, I think this is the only thing he did where he deserved an ass-beating that big. Now, he deserved to be annoyed back ever' once in a while, but I seen people go complete crazy about 'im.

Got me to thinkin'. I lucked out when I showed up. Had someone do somethin' real good for me right off the bat. Had that time ever'body turned into kids, too. But left to my own devices and without people provin' they weren't like what I'd been dealin' with back home, I mighta turned out like him.

[Which he'll finally say now that Jack's gone. Somehow that man by sheer personality could provoke some psychotic defense measures out of people. But this is the first thing that he definitely did need a whoopin' for.]

[firewalled]

He was... kinda always a bit of ass with me. I think I get why, I mean, I projected some shit that wasn't true onto him, but... messin' with me was fine. He didn't have to drag people into that shit. People that I care about.

[He does understand that feeling, though. It's something he said himself when he confronted Jack.]

...Back home, I would have been a lot like that too. I was, for a while. Fucking with people just to prove they couldn't get under my skin, that I didn't care about them. Being so angry at the way the world treated me that I felt like it was only fair to fuck with it right back. Some of it was that SQUIP's fault, but... I still think I'm responsible for a lot of it.

[yondu]

[He feels bad for the kid. And gets where that comes from.]

I put myself in a position where I was in charge of a bunch of assholes, and a good chunk of 'em wanted to get me out of their way. Dirty ambition stuff. I can get how some capitalist prick ended up gettin' his mind in a place where all he could do was take advantage of people and felt like ever'body wanted to do the same to him.

But also he was a little crazier than the both of us. I'm pretty confident in that. He had a screw loose in there and I bet it was both in the literal and figurative sense. There's a little messed up and then there's antagonizin' a train full of assassins.

I think we're a pretty normal level of dick. [He's motioning between himself and the camera.]

cw: suicidal ideation, negativity about mental health, you know, just rich stuff

[firewalled]

When you have to claw your way up to the top, you know that someone could come push you down at any minute.

[Sure, the school's social ladder isn't exactly the same as a capitalist organization, but high school can feel ruthless, especially when school was the one place Rich was on top of the pecking order. If he slipped, he could have ended up back where he was, lonely and isolated. Add in the fact that the SQUIP was pretty much his last ditch plan before throwing away his life entirely...

He understands where Jack came from. And Yondu as well. He hates how painfully familiar their stories sound, almost as much as he hates Yondu saying Jack was somehow worse. His voice is low and thick with regret when he speaks up.]

You're saying that like I don't have a few screws loose myself. Being 'normal' has never really been in the cards for me. [No matter how much he had wished it was.]

[yondu]

I was mostly jokin' with the 'normal' bit. But Jack... he weren't right. When we went to stop him that one time, he cut into Cherry for lettin' us rather than just knocking shit off. He knew who'd let him get away with shit and he'd walk on 'em best he could.

I didn't like how he got kicked around for existin' but... [Yondu shakes his head. Jack needed to be held accountable without excess, and that was such a damn fine line to find. Most people on the train, including him, weren't sensitive enough to find it.]

I think you're bein' a little hard on yourself. You're still real young. You got hormones an' people shittin' on ya makin' it all worse. I know that seems easy to say, but a grown-ass man or the programmed likeness of a supposed adult needs to be held to a higher standard than a kid what got exploited.

[firewalled]

I mean... yeah. When you're like that, you take advantage of people who are kind to you. You take more than you were expected to 'cause no one's going to dare say anything. I... did that plenty, too.

[He sighs heavily and cards fingers through the shock of red hair, still noticeable no matter how much it's faded over the months. He knows Yondu has a point, but it feels like all his words are just hitting a wall. They're platitudes meant for others. For people who deserve them.]

I just... don't think he was ever expected to be an adult, I guess. [And maybe in retrospect, Rich had to grow up too fast.] I-It's just easier to see why we both fucked up. I don't want to just deny my own part in this mess.

[yondu]

[He continues to beat on that door anyway, even if it goes nowhere.]

What was your part? Givin' someone a chance? Tryin' to make sure you knew what the hell was holdin' you against your will? Bein' promised help from someone you thought might be capable just to have 'em dick ya over?

Boy, you didn't do nothin'. Wantin' is not a crime. Now, you mighta been a little shit but that had nothin' to do with this mess. My son was a little shit and I couldn't be prouder of the man it made him.

[Again, easier to say to someone else than it is to say to himself. But maybe 'cause he was old enough to know better.]

It ain't easy to be a kid an' already got a lifetime worth of wear right up front. [He at least doesn't call them scars right out loud.] I remember what that was like. People jump to conclusions and sometimes those conclusions are pretty powerful, y'know? 'Let me show you how tough I am.' But you are still a kid, an' it'd make sense you'd wanna be strong however you could an' someone offered you that. Bein' responsible for someone else's shit don't make you look stronger in his eyes, or make him respect ya. He'd just let himself off of the hook.

[firewalled]

Not trying to reach out to someone else sooner? Not fighting back harder?

[He has a feeling those are going to sound weak, but to him, they aren't. To him, he had every opportunity to stop himself as soon as Jack used him to lash out at Cherry.]

I just... I know we had more in common than either of us wanted to admit. Maybe... maybe I've seen some shit too young, but he had too. I wanted to give him a chance, like, like everyone in my life did. And if he fucked it up...

[If Jack fucked it up, what did that mean for when Rich got back home?]

Just... forget it. [He hates being talked down to, being made to feel weak. It's agitating him, making his fingers twitch to find something to rip apart before he moves up to pick at his scars again.]

[yondu]

No wait... hold up there.

[He's genuinely not meaning to talk down to him, he just really doesn't think Rich failed the way that he thinks he failed.]

Maybe you're right that ya had a lot in common. But you're tryin' to make choices as best you can. And I find that pretty respectable. It's rough. I wanna yell at people all the time.

In fact I did. I threatened the person who'd been nicest to me. They offered somethin' kind an' I told 'em I'd turn on 'em if they used it against me. That's the first place my mind went with someone bein' decent with me.

So I get it. It's rough. I really think you're doin' your best, though.

[firewalled]

[Part of what he says... honestly, most of what he says sounds very familiar. Lashing out at the people giving you an out. Feeling anger get the better of you. Trying and trying, even when you can't see the way to get better.

He works at his bottom lip, and then breathes out a soft sigh.]

Maybe. Just... dunno when my best is gonna be enough to get me to stop hurting everyone around me, I guess.

[yondu]

Well, the only person I know of that you hurt apparently wasn't your doin', an' she sounded like she was real surprised by it. I ain't heard no one mention you as bein' hurtful.

So you're doin' somethin' right?

[He's shit at comfort but he's trying to be honest with it and not sound like he's just pacifying.]

I dunno. Bein' better than you were and not bein' perfect is better than not tryin' in the slightest.

[firewalled]

Hurt a couple people outside of that too... when I was trying to get out of this mess. [He offers a bitter smile.] Turns out going straight to drowning yourself pisses a lot of people off. Who knew, right?

And even before that... I've lashed out at a lot of people. I know it doesn't mean I'm not trying, but I'm tired of there being casualties along the way, I guess.

[yondu]

Yeah. I mean... I get why you'd do it. I might do it. Hell, I spaced myself to save my boy. But I'd also flip my damn lid if someone I gave a shit about felt like their only escape was death or somethin' like it. Just the whole knowledge that shit's gone that far off the rails.

[Oh well.]

Welp, if it helps, I still sometimes walk out of conversations when I don't know how to deal with it without snappin' [and sometimes still bites off someone's head] and I'm well past fully grown. You got a good start.

[firewalled]

...Spaced yourself?

[Weird term that he hasn't heard before, but... he understands what the gist is.

He understands it more than the possibility that Yondu might actually be implying he gives a shit about him... He dismisses that, letting himself fall into easy laughter at the comment about walking off.]

Hey, I do that all the time too. Best way to deal with your problems is running away, right?

[yondu]

It ain't all about runnin' from a hard conversation, nah. Sometimes it's the kindness and generosity in my heart in knowin' if I stay there an' keep talkin' I'm gonna beat someone's ass.

[He lets the other bit go, for now, because he's not adequately dealt with that trauma. In a way that he doesn't realize he hasn't dealt with it.]

[firewalled]

[Rich muffles a bit of laughter at that and shakes his head.]

I guess there is that too. I tend not to go out looking for fights because I'm not superpowered enough to beat anyone's ass.

[He was so used to being the tough guy at school, but here, that doesn't count for anything.]

[yondu]

[Yondu laughs a mean little laugh.] Boy, it takes about the same force of bitin' through a thick steak as it does to take off a hunk of ear, even with blunt teeth. You don't need to be superpowered to surprise the hell outa somebody what thinks they're hot shit.

While I don't recommend that necessarily, don't underestimate yourself. Can't count on magic or tech all the time. I say this as a man who loves his arrow a whole lot. Sooner or later when everyone's caught supernaturally buttnaked we're gonna have to rely on our fists and wits.

[firewalled]

Jesus... see, this is the kind of fight advice I'm looking for! Everyone keeps teaching me self-defense and really simple wrestling moves. Nothing about ear biting!

[He gives a nervous little grin.] I mean, I'm still not going to be much help, because I'm not like an ex-soldier or a huntsman, but it's cool to think I might be able to help if we get in a jam like that.

[yondu]

Well if you don't mind kickin' the shit out of a dummy I could show ya some things. It's easier than ya think to take out someone's kneecap with the right kinda kick and one knife to a thigh can keep someone from chasin' you when you're makin' a getaway. Especially if you ain't confident in a headshot.

Or, you know... just don't wanna do a headshot. [Just tacking that on there for the sake of people who would not want to see someone given the capacity for murder.] Thigh is a bigger target.

[firewalled]

I definitely don't mind that! I'm always looking for people to practice with.

[And if he keeps training with different people, he'll pick up more moves and be a lot more useful. Though he does look a little nervous about doing a headshot, so he's grateful Yondu gives him an out.]

Yeah, and harder to get seriously injured, you know? I don't... exactly want to kill anyone.

[yondu]

Sure, I can teach ya.

Fair warnin', my way of fightin' is to take care of either blood-thirsty folks, or to make sure someone ain't gonna be able to chase you out. Might not kill 'em, but don't use it on somebody you're plannin' on makin' up with later.

But I think once someone's violently set on makin' what's left of your life a miserable painfilled hell I think the room for coffee dates is over.

[firewalled]

Ah, okay. So only like the serious monsters. That makes sense.

[That should at least mean Rich can do something during missions, but he'll have to be a good judge of when he can't mend the situation with anything but violence... which might be an issue. He winces to himself.]

Sounds like you had to deal with a lot of nasty characters.