Meng Yao (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ayao) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
voidtreckernet2021-04-03 11:10 pm
ayao) wrote in voidtreckernet2021-04-03 11:10 pm
[Video] Kazoo 16
Forgive me for being...selfish...
And I warn you, the subject matter of my question might be sensitive...
[But why not make this inquiry here rather than in his world where it would surely bring negative repercussions.]
What are your thoughts on two men being in a relationship? [He doesn't dare say married, but he is drawn to the idea.] Do you perceive it as...wrong? Should the men instead continue their respective lines with wives?
[Heirs are important. Yet can they not be had in other ways? Of course said ways are illegal and immoral in the land he knows.]
And I warn you, the subject matter of my question might be sensitive...
[But why not make this inquiry here rather than in his world where it would surely bring negative repercussions.]
What are your thoughts on two men being in a relationship? [He doesn't dare say married, but he is drawn to the idea.] Do you perceive it as...wrong? Should the men instead continue their respective lines with wives?
[Heirs are important. Yet can they not be had in other ways? Of course said ways are illegal and immoral in the land he knows.]
............. video
In the long list of the amount of things you get horrifically wrong, should I bring up what you marrying a woman led to? Or the rest of the manipulations of the people who sincerely loved you.
( He flicks his fingers at the screen. )
You never had an obligation to continue a bloodline until you created it for yourself. Why you always cared more for what society said about you than what you felt for the ones who loved you remains a mystery to me. Why are you projecting the same nonsense here? Whose approval do you crave? What justification are you looking for? Cut the babble, Meng Yao. You broke everything he believed in with your manipulations. You don't have the backbone even now to say, I'll be honest, I'll take the flack, I'll stand by your side, no matter what?
( Also the Lans clearly believe in adoption. Whatever else one wants to say, no one is suspecting Lan Wangji actually knocked someone up to end up with Lan Sizhui, and if they do, they probably also suspect Wei Wuxian's (actual and intact) virginity and (fabricated and inconceivable) womb. )
If you care for someone more than yourself. If you love them more than your prestige and power, then whatever the world says, whatever accusations against filial piety you have shoved in your face, you'll stay the path. If you can't find that out on your own, then don't. Don't start this.
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[He bites the inside of his cheek so hard that he tastes copper. Whose approval do you crave? That has always been...mixed, hasn't it. My mother's. My father's. Nie Mingjue's. Lan Xichen's. And, if he is honest with himself, he craves his approval too. Standing outside and looking in doesn't feel good and he isn't as brave as Wuxian and Wangji.
Though that hurts to admit.]
It is not for myself... [He grumbles, flustered and in pain. Teeth hurt!] I know he would come for me. I know he would do it. But can you imagine what he loses in the process?
[In other words: am I worth that loss? From a future perspective, the answer is a resounding no. But as he is now...?]
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Some things Wei Wuxian finds much harder to let slide than others. He's not married into the Lan clan, but he's no less protective of its twin jades, and he never will be.
He forgives them both for not having stood by him. It's what he wanted, back then, too stupid to know otherwise; as an older, arguably wiser man, it's a complication he can understand.
It's what broke and stitched together his heart when Lan Zhan had decided, I will anyway, full aware of what that might cost, and Lan Xichen, full aware that Wei Wuxian might be the betrayal that Jin Guangyao turned out to be, had allowed him to stay. )
A-Yao, his decisions are his decisions. And his decisions around you aren't clear headed, which is why I'm talking to you, not him.
( It's like talking to Lan Zhan about Wei Wuxian, which, well, he's at least aware of these days. Lan Zhan has made it painfully obvious the lengths to which he'll go now, at some cost of the guilt he feels for not having done so then. Not just guilt... but that'd been part of it. They are still known strangers, and he's staring at someone who is, for various reasons, not so terribly different on that particular score. )
I told you, be better. Will you come for him? Will you stand by him? Will you bear the scrutiny we'll give you because we have very good reason to care more about him being okay than if you're comfortable? What are you going to do to ensure it's not his loss? Are you going to trust him, without manipulating that trust? Trust him with your worst self, and your best?
( Because if these are all things he's faced and acknowledged, then Meng Yao damn well can too, even while feeling the whole time he is not worth it.
Because he has to believe more in Lan Xichen than he does in his lacking belief in himself. )
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I want to protect him. I want to focus on him. If I was given a choice of being my father's heir or belonging to the one I love, I would choose the one I love.
[He is careful with his wording, at least. Though the name is on the tip of his tongue.]
He doesn't have to be clear-headed. I won't - I refuse - to hurt him. [Covering his mouth as if he feels sick, he sits down shakily and tries to calm his nerves.] I am loyal to him.
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( Which he says, while holding up a stopping hand: )
Don't protect. Support. He needs support, not you deciding what protection means. Make decisions with him, not for him. Don't actively try to hurt him. Apologise when you hurt him anyway, because we all hurt the ones we care about without meaning to.
( He pauses, long, and stares at Meng Yao through the ICP. Says, eventually: )
A wise woman once told me there are two phrases you can't get through life without saying and meaning. Thank you, and I'm sorry.
( Another pause, and narrowed eyes. )
Only say either one when you mean it. Not when you think you should say it, A-Yao, but when it's true.
( Then, waving a hand, and flashing something closer to an actual smile: )
Being loyal to him means accepting all of us, too, so that'll be fun in the dining car. No murdering, no backstabbing, and endless apologies to Jin Ling because out of everyone here, you owe him the most. Even now. Even before you've done anything. As for the man in question ( who they continue not to name;) he can withstand scrutiny. Let him.
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Yes, it is that simple.]I didn't know about Jin Ling. [And that too feels awful. By now, his eyes are red-rimmed and suspiciously wet.] The more I learn, the more I wish to bury my future self in the ground.
[Hatred has always led to anxiety and paranoia for him. Yet those final words do make their way through the din that is his thoughts screaming at him.]
Do you like Lan Wangji being judged for loving you? Don't you want to intervene? I'm sure he never asks that of you. [He is like his brother. Both of the Lans will suffer in silence.]
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Just what.................. what judgement for......................... what love are you talking about, Meng Yao? Confused cat noises over here, that is not the word he'd use for their deep abiding knowing, that word is so small and so peculiar. )
Mah, you've got some weird idea on things for a guy who hasn't lived through most them yet...
( Then he shakes a finger at him. )
Lan Zhan chooses his position, and I stand by his side. That's a decision we both choose to make. Who is judging him for nonsense like what you're talking about? Whatever, whatever, ignoring your mouth spilling out all these unnecessary things, I'd laugh at anyone who thinks their judgement matters in his opinion.
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Welcome to my world? Without seeming petty? No, Meng Yao doesn't apologize nor look ashamed.]
Words can hurt. They can sink deep and turn into knives and swords. Someone can bleed for years from a simple statement and you would never know it.
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[But. No. He reins himself in.]
My actions are late, but I have never called my accusers liars. I believe them and I take responsibility.
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( He's actually sighing over this, but follows that up with a shake of his head. )
The unfair reality is you don't know me, and I know what you have the potential to become, A-Yao, but really! I'm so proud! Outright sarcasm and I didn't even have to muss your hair for it!
( He prefers less of the façade, and thus, is happy in a grim way. )
Take responsibility going forward. If it hurts, or if it doesn't hurt. That's all I've pointed toward and asked for this whole time, even when you were being rude enough to ask me to kill you if you strayed.
( He's got one kill switch, and it is Threatens Family. )