voidtreckernet | Orchestra Day 14

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Orchestra Day 14

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[Yondu's opting for a video post though he did consider audio. But he really wants to put out there how important this is to him. He needs help and he can finally damn well practice what he preaches and ask for it.]

[Okay, deep, uneasy exhale before explaining.]

I uh.... before I showed up here, the same day even, there was a mutiny aboard my ship. Had a buncha folks decide they didn't like I was takin' cheaper jobs to keep from doin' stuff I weren't comfortable with. I was usually able to make excuses- we still made plenty but a few outspoken bastards were real upset I didn't always pick the options with more in our pockets, and then my first mate got jealous. Called me out in front of everyone. 'Caused a shitstorm. [He's a little distant in describing that.]

He didn't know how bad it'd get. The traitors... they uh... Hell... Alright if you're a kid or you don't gotta deal with a lotta death, just turn this off. Get the hell outa here. It ain't for you. [He takes a moment for them to do that if they care to. Alright? Good. Carrying on.] I was detained proper at the time. Couldn't use my arrow, couldn't fight, too hurt to get loose. They shoved 'em one by one out an airlock an' I couldn't save 'em. We're talkin' a hundred plus men dead, one by one. It was not just a few. Just left to float like garbage thrown out a window and they laughed about it and mocked 'em as they watched 'em go.

[There's a moment of shaky-breathed anger, but, you know, what's done is done. Assholes what done it are dead now, they cain't do it to anyone else or use his ship to go make the universe an even worse place or harass his family. He's good.] Dyin' in space is like freezin' and drownin' at the same time. Every moment of it hurts 'cause you feel your outside freezin' in, an' at some point you know even if you was saved the life left in ya wouldn't be worth it. [He can say that from experience. There's a little bit where you know how bad the damage is.] Almost three decades some of those men had been with me. Good and bad. I didn't make a lotta friends but they did mean somethin' to me. And someone gave me the idea maybe I could put 'em to rest if I could do somethin' memorialwise. I don't want the last thoughts directed at 'em to be their own crewmates bein' happy about 'em dyin'.

Ravagers... when we die, usually we're remembered. If our bodies cain't be picked up, we're toasted by our crew. If our bodies are there, we're put in the ship's engine. Turned to stardust, get to travel forever. And the one that's usually for captains is a ship flying its Colors- you do this big light show. Well, no crew here besides myself to drink to 'em, and their bodies ain't anywhere to be found [not to mention a hundred-some people is a lot] so I figured I'd ask anyone that can do lights an' illusions if they'd help me out to fly them the Colors whenever we're at a stop where our lives don't depend on it and there's a sky overhead. They weren't captains but they was loyal enough. I don't know if I could pay ya, but I been sittin' on knowin' what happened to 'em and I ain't been able to think of a way to really make it right.

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Soldat hates using this thing, and honestly they're not going to be of any use in Yondu's request. But after hearing the message in full, they do prowl through the train in search of him, and come settle beside him wherever he's sitting.

Silent, at first, just coming to sit. And offer a bag of trail mix from one of their many pockets.

He's in the library at the moment, and he's just distractedly looking at a book that he's not actually reading, not sure of what he's going to do. But then Soldat sits and offers food, and he takes it.

"Tobirama suggested the whole memorial thing. I reckon it's better than anything else I could do for 'em." His head has been a mess for so long now. He doesn't take a bite of the trail mix yet, just kind of holds it in one hand and thinks about it.

He's alright, though. He finally feels like he can do something rather than promise ghosts that he'll try not to take too long to join them.

"It's a good idea." Certainly nothing that would have occurred to them. Their experiences with memorials are either hazy memories of tombstones, or little lantern boats on a black lake, or maybe the tree they'd painted after the floods in Beacon. "And it's a nice custom," they add. "Have you had many takers yet?"

"He's got a good head on his shoulders." Yondu likes Tobirama. A lot. He's trying hard not to like him too much and set himself up for heartbreak. He knows what he is.

"My crew didn't have a reputation worthy of much respect. No one's gonna miss 'em if I don't do nothin'. Or all I'm gonna think about are them last moments of them yellin' for help or upset their brothers betrayed 'em."

A Ravager never flies alone. Being a part of a crew, being loyal, was important.

"You wanna get a room?" He asks seemingly out of nowhere. "I just mean it'd be nice to have someone what I could fight with by me again and WangJi moved out a bit back. Been feelin' kinda lonely." Even if he still had roommates, he wasn't particularly close to them.

Soldat rears back a little to stare at him, then gives a short little laugh and punches Yondu's shoulder. Gently, in a friendly sort of way, with the flesh hand instead of the metal one. "I was going to ask you that, dammit. Devero suggested it a while back. And I've been thinking about it."

"He did? ...That man can be a li'l' shit sometimes." Yondu pulls a petulant face that isn't sincere. Devero's definitely good folk, even if it took the poor man months to weasel in on his good side. He eventually won.

He appreciates that he was there for him when he thought he'd lost Soldat.

He rubs his shoulder, still wearing that petulant look like it hurt (it didn't and they both know it). But more seriously, he lets the face ebb. "Like I've said, I didn't really make a lotta friends among my crew. Couldn't afford to drop the persona. But I know some of 'em wanted it. You're probably the best I got." He'd finally let it happen. "You shoulda seen how hard Tullk'd try to get me to come drink with 'im or spend time with 'im. He'd holler at me every time he saw me in port. I'd just look, not say nothin'. Let 'im go have his fun. I think that just lettin' myself have it good with people might be a good way to honor 'em."

"I did tell him not to expect any budding romance," Soldat says dryly. "Because he had that look." Which might serve as a warning for Yondo, too. Soldat loves, and deeply, but Soldat is not interested in love-making in any form, probably not for a while, if ever. "But. If it'll be good for you to do it. I'm pretty sure I'll sleep better with a little more space, and just one person sharing that space, who I trust. And you're that." They hesitate a beat, then tuck their arm around Yondu's shoulders, just for a moment. "Okay."

"Eh, I told him an' Sanzo that." He waves dismissively. "When I was all bent out of shape, said it wasn't a romantic thing. Just that you was the person I trusted most."

As emotional as the two of them can get, or as close in proximity, he's very aware that they're not built for that. Soldat's been too used and abused and Yondu's got his own pile of baggage he's trying to deal with. They're two strays who can tolerate each other enough to sleep in the same cardboard box. At least that's how Yondu sees it.

There's maybe a bit more than tolerance going on here, Yondu. Even Soldat can admit that much, on both their parts.

They give his shoulders a little squeeze, then pull their arm back. "Okay. So how do we. Do this. I haven't paid any attention to how the double rooms work." They consider the private rooms for rent, and offer, "I've got points if we need them."

Well, that is true. Two strays that can comfortably share that cardboard box.

"I dunno. I could ask. ...I'm feelin' lazy though an' just talked my heart out so I'll kick around Sanzo later for information."

He almost calls him Koumyou, because he's still getting used to having permission to use the name. But he's trying to call him Sanzo to others.

"Crowley and Aziraphale, too. And there might be instructions on the ICPs." Later, though, yeah. For now, they're going to-- have an adrenaline let-down, actually, because they'd been gearing up to ask that very question and now they don't have to. They sag back into their seat. "I was afraid you'd be annoyed. Or get the wrong idea. And here you go and beat me to it."

"You don't do anything to annoy me. Part of why I figured I could ask ya." He's not going to claim he can't be annoyed. Oh, he can definitely be annoyed. Peter was a champion at it.

"And I know how it is for you. I don't even hug ya, I came up with other ways of showin' I give a shit. And besides, it's also for me... As much as I care about ya, I need somethin' that I don't think you could give me. ...Actually I don't think anyone could give me, and I need to stop lookin' for it. I'm too damn old and need to put it out of my head."

He smears his hands down his face. Right. What he has now with all his friends is good enough. It's a hell of a lot better than what he had back home. He needs to hang onto that, give up the other shit.

"You're not that old," Soldat says with a blink, in part because that's the easiest part in all that to respond to. They aren't entirely sure if he's just talking about sex, or romantic feelings, or-- honestly, they only kind of vaguely remember what all of that felt like, anyway, and as much as it pains them to not be able to give someone what they need, Soldat has one limit, and too much touching is that limit.

"Besides, even if you are old, that doesn't mean you can't find somebody," they add, remembering Stone and Ashford. "There were a couple of old men in Beacon who would go around leaning on each other and making pointed jokes."

His expression twists up into the most pointedly confused and unsexy face he can manage, before he shakes his head. "It's not that. I mean, findin' company is easy. I know I ain't to ever'body's taste but I can get by if I need to."

Theoretically easy. He's been cock-blocked left and right since coming to the train.

"Nah, it's..." He winces, because... well, he doesn't talk about this. Hardly ever, because for one thing it makes him such a damn sadsack. He knows Soldat won't judge him though. Especially since sex isn't a part of this conversation. For another, he doesn't want help with it. All he needs is someone to take a wild hair and start playing a vile game of Getimwitem.

"I told Devero once that if Sanzo had one prayer left in him, it'd be for him. And it got me to thinkin'.... Now, excusin' kids because they're always the priority... that's the kinda thing I'd want. To have that thing where you look at somebody an' know they'd be savin' one last prayer for you, and feelin' it right back."

Edited 2021-11-30 23:54 (UTC)

(~~I don't see why he wouldn't be to anybody's taste.~~ Honestly, I don't, either. Maybe it's the blue? YOU GUYS ARE REALLY DUMB, SOMETIMES. Shut up, normie. HEY! Cut it out, both of you.)

Soldat keeps that internal, because it really doesn't seem like the kind of conversation for rambling about the ins and outs of physical attraction, particularly when they don't necessarily understand it the way Bucky Barnes did back in the 40s. Instead the frown a little. "You want to be someone's favorite person," they surmise. "I. Understand."

And they... don't think they could pick a favorite person. Misty, Steve, Sora, Yondu, Javert-- they all vie for the position, none more than the others, they think. But they know back before HYDRA, Steve pretty firmly had that place. Is that part of how romance holds no appeal for them, now? Does that mean they're broken here, too?

Edited (html fail) 2021-12-01 08:42 (UTC)

Luckily there's that normal voice in there to help fill in the blanks. He assumes that he's trying to work out what he means, as Yondu has a way with words and frequently that way is not helpful.

"Not so much favorite person. Like I said, people got kids, they got parents, they got all kinds of people they're gonna hold up, maybe higher than you. But there's a kind of like where they make every-" sense? No, don't say that. That's not fair to him, 'cause that was goddamn ruined for him by those bastards. "Just everythin' feel good. I've felt that kinda thing on my end before, and I know some people can have it with moren' one person. Hell, I probably could.

"Just... ain't nobody ever gonna look at me the same way as I look at them." Even on a much lighter level. Or he's not going to look at them the same way back.

He does hate that they took something important way from Soldat. And who knows, maybe there's someone out there that matches that. That needs someone that will never expect too much out of them after everything they've been through. But in Yondu's case, he's surrounded by it and he didn't know he wanted it so bad until he saw it everywhere. Seeing the tenderness and understanding between Aziraphale and Crowley, seeing the fire between Bulma and Vegeta, seeing the moon shine like the sun when Koumyou looks at Devero. Hearing pure loyalty come out of Prompto or Vexen for their respective kings and knowing that they're adored for it.

"Don't tell nobody I said this shit. I never mention it 'cause people might try to play matchmaker and I will absolutely be a dick about it."

Soldat is quiet a moment, again, though this time there's less internal arguing. It does sound like maybe something got broken; there's no one they look at like that. There's no one they'd want to look at them like that. They have their people, and sometimes those people do make them feel good, but that's not the point, not really. So long as their people, those people, are happy, that's what matters.

Though Yondu apparently isn't happy, and this is one reason they can't fix it. "I'm sorry," they finally say. "I don't know how to. To do that. But I'll be what I can, anyway. If that's just a roommate, then. Well, I'll be that."

"Don't look all sad. You don't gotta try to do anything for me. You already give me what I want. That's fair. I'd count on you to get my back. You cook me food. You listen to my bitchin'. You laugh at my dumbass jokes."

He gestures between them. "And I didn't cry for you, but my knuckles did bleed for ya. So what we got is real important to me. Don't go knockin' it. You dragged me out of a pit I didn't even know I was in and you showed me a bunch of shit I never woulda understood otherwise."

And here he is, vomiting feelings at him more than he would most other people. "I don't want nothin' more than what you give me, an' I like it as a different kinda thing."

"Your jokes are not dumb," Soldat counters, though they're feeling a little better at all the encouragement. Not even Misty was this effusive with praise for what they did for her. "Okay," they say after a pause. "As long as you're happy. And I won't try to match-make. I don't think I'd even know how."

"Yeah and god bless you for that." The match-making that is, even if he doesn't actually mean that. The comment acknowledges a damage that takes all that effusive and logical praise to try and chip away at.

Yondu's spoke of that hole inside him, and Soldat has his own. All he can do is try to fill it up, bit by bit.

"My jokes are dumb, don't you go givin' me a classy reputation. Just cause they dumb don't mean they ain't funny. I won't have it."

And now it's time for something more lighthearted, because there's only so much praise Soldat can take at once without wanting to hide.

"Classy and dumb are not opposites, Yondu," Soldat says. "Your sense of humor can be smart without being fancy." Then they whistle at him: "Wiggle arms." Because they still find that translation utterly hilarious, okay.

"I don't even know if Centauri IV had anything like those. Best thing I can figure for 'em."

He makes a confused face with his whole face. Every line and muscle in it accentuates it.

"I feel kinda wierd eatin' 'em after havin' met that Agent 8 girl, though. She was a good kid. Feel like someone shaved her bald and served us her hairdo. Honestly it too me thinkin' of eatin' the giant space ones before I could palate it."

"Oh." Soldat frowns, then wrinkles up their nose. "I didn't even think about her. I mean. She couldn't touch water, it would make her go all melty, so it's obviously not her." They've washed and boiled and fried that stuff, experimenting with methods of cooking to make it more palatable, and water did nothing to it. "But you're right, the timing is pretty awful."

"Well, I didn't think it was her. Just reminded me of her. Didn't get to know her much but she seemed like a good girl."

And a little like them, with a bit of too-early-training.

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Orchestra Day 14

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