voidtreckernet | Video

[Rich, as per usual, is in the music car, once all the excitement of the platform is over and done, His guitar is sitting in his lap, and he looks a little tired, but there's at least a small smile on his face.]

Yo. Rich here. So I thought I'd better get this out of the way, but if you've had to deal with me being a mega asshole in the last month, I'm sorry.

[He looks properly ashamed, and has to take a minute to run his hand through his hair.]

Ugh. I don't even know what to say about it. Basically, I wasn't in control of myself, and then when I was back to myself, I guess I kinda crashed super hard. You know, dopamine machine broke and all.

...If you wanna talk to me about that, or about anything, I guess, come and find me. I'm not gonna try to run away this time.

[Rich exhales slowly then, and then hoists his guitar up with a much brighter grin. It might look a tad ingenuine, but Rich is an expert at faking it until he makes it.]

Anyways, I've still been really into practicing my music and all, and I was kinda wondering if someone would wanna do a concert again? But instead of me just flying solo, we could all do our own sets of a couple songs? Hell, maybe some of us can start up bands, I've been wanting to do that for ages. If you wanna jam, hit me up!

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Yeah... I wasn't exactly. My SQUIP - that computer in my head - it turned back on for a bit.

[That's the simplest way to put it without putting unwanted attention on Jack, though he has a feeling that's not going to satisfy Ryo's curiosity.]

I was trapped in my own head for so long that... I guess it got to me. That's why I was trying to do what I did at the river.

How?

[The last time they'd talked, it had sounded like the SQUIP was dead - if it can turn itself back on, that's worrying at best.]

Does- do you need someone to look at it?

[Ryo wouldn't know the first thing about it, but there are people on the train who are good with computers. Someone here should know how to help.]

I, um, it was my fault, I made a bad deal. Thought someone would help me turn it off after, but they d-didn't want to.

[That's not exactly a clear explanation, but Rich is afraid to say too much that could get spread around.]

I think it's okay now. It's off again, and I have stuff in place if it turns on. I... sorry for worrying you...

[Ryo's eyes narrow just a bit. It sounds like whoever Rich made a deal with might have taken advantage of him, which would make it not his fault...and would be the reason Otoha thought he'd failed to protect him, wouldn't it.]

When you made the deal, did they say they would turn it off after?

They said they would. They... said they'd destroy it for good, actually. I've been desperate enough to be rid of it that I thought it was worth the risk.

[He fidgets in place, unable to look Ryo in the eye.]

And I thought... if I turned it back on, just for a couple of minutes, it could calculate a way for all of us to get back home.

[He takes the conversation, turns it around, reframes it. He's getting a lot of practice with that here.]

So you wanted to do something that you thought would help, even though it was risky for you. You made a deal with someone- [Wait.] someone on the train- [By the gods.] -who said they'd help you and turn the SQUIP off afterwards. Then they lied to you, and didn't turn it off, and left you trapped in your own head while it controlled you.

[Something about that doesn't sit quite right with him, but he can't explore it yet without derailing his point. He'll get back to it.]

You tried to do something to help, and you were betrayed by someone you trusted. That wasn't your fault - it was theirs.

I... yeah, I guess that's it.

[He doesn't want to admit that it was someone on the train, but he supposes if he doesn't give the name, it might be for the best to just at least admit it.]

They... I don't really know how, but they actually overrode my SQUIP a bit. They were able to control me themselves too. I...

[He shudders slightly as he realizes just what happened to him. He'd been repressing that violation, how intense and cruel it was to take away his very sense of self... but hearing Ryo put it like that makes his stomach twist again.]

I-I... I'm sorry, this is hard to talk about.

[...that was it. That was what hadn't sat right. If someone here could affect his SQUIP enough to turn it on while it was in his head, who's to say they couldn't take control of it while they were in there?]

[Evidently they had.]

[And this is someone on the train - presumably someone who's still here-]

[He wants to pull Rich into a hug. He wants to hold him and try to help him feel safe. But...Ryo isn't big or powerful enough to make that carry any weight, and if Rich doesn't want to be touched, he could just make everything worse.]

[So instead he reaches out and takes Rich's hand in his, holding it gently.]

It's okay. Take your time.

[Rich often feels tense about being touched. He's affectionate himself, so it's not like touch should bother him... but in situations like this, when he's so down on himself that he doesn't believe he's worth the effort anymore, it can be hard to accept.

So when Ryo takes his hand, he jumps a little... before slowly squeezing his hand back.]

I just don't know what I can say. I don't want to blame someone else for everything that happened. I don't want to like, sabotage them, if they ever want to change their tune. Which probably sounds ridiculous, because what he did to me was-

[He bites down hard on his lip.]

It was awful, I know that. It was a violation of my trust, and of my mind, of b-basically everything. I know that and I know he doesn't deserve any sympathy.

[Ryo just holds Rich's hand, and listens, and thinks. Some of this is uncomfortably familiar. But...well, he'd gotten through it. Hopefully he can use that experience to help Rich.]

[Of course, that means he has to talk about it. He takes a breath and sighs.]

I...spent a lot of my life being hurt by other people. It took me a long time- it took me getting out of there- before I could sort out what I felt about it, and...I want to tell you what my mentor told me.

[Endon and Orion had tried, but it had taken Keita - with his viewpoint, with his years of experience with other people - to really hit the nail on the head, and it's those words that Ryo passes on.]

You don't owe the people that hurt you anything. Not your time, not your thoughts, not your forgiveness - nothing. They chose to hurt you, but they don't get to take anything else from you, and they don't get to have a say in how you heal.

If you want to give them the benefit of the doubt because it helps you hope, that's fine. If you want to forgive them because it brings you peace, that's also fine. But whatever you choose to do, it needs to be for you. They're not important here - you are.

I know it can be hard not to worry about other people, or to feel like you should worry about the people that hurt you and feel guilty because you're not, but...sometimes you just need to worry about yourself. It's not selfish, I promise.

[Is any of that going to help? He has no idea, but gods, he hopes it does.]

[Rich is still sniffling under his breath, trying his best to muffle his tears, both so Ryo won't worry further and so he can try to listen to what Ryo has to say. He has to be strong. He won't be a hero if he can't be strong... but he also feels like maybe, just maybe, it's more important to listen to someone else's guidance than stubbornly falling into the same habits he always has.

And Ryo is right. It does help a little bit. Rich swallows hard, exhales and hiccups softly, while the hand not holding Ryo's goes up to wipe at his eyes.]

I-I know. I know he doesn't deserve any of that. M-my dad didn't deserve it, and the SQUIP didn't either. I don't have to forgive them, a-and I'm not going to.

But... I don't know. I don't want to become defined by this either. I feel like, if I tell everyone who did this to me, I'll just be known as his victim. I'll never become more than that. I'll never be seen as stronger, or braver, or anything other than the lost potential I had before he hurt me like that.

I don't... want to be defined by that. I don't want his own bad attitude to define me... as much as I don't want it to define him either. I want us both to grow past it.

[He looks up at Ryo before his eyes quickly dart away.]

Does... does that make sense or am I just crazy?

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