voidtreckernet | [Video] Kazoo 16

[ It takes Xichen a moment to break out of his fugue at the call of his name, slowly looking up, eyes red-rimmed. It takes another moment before he nods slightly and sets the guqin to the side carefully. As though he's not in the middle of a very open and public garden car, he gives acquiescence that he will see him now.

He seems... at least somewhat recovered from the post-mission exhaustion, but suddenly as fragile as he was when he first showed up. ]

Meng Yao.

[ No anger or harshness in the name, the same sweet and melodious way he has called it before. ]

[He goes to him immediately, wrapping his arms around Xichen's shoulders and supporting him. Those red-rimmed eyes concern him greatly and he rests a hand on the other man's cheek, bringing their heads together intimately.]

I'm sorry. [Oh how he means it, too. The mistakes he makes chip away at Xichen. The question on the network had been phrased in a fit of paranoia and overthinking. But he doesn't have to overthink.] I will stand against every single sect and naysayer for you. I don't care what they say.

[ The shoulders beneath the clothing are still strong, though a little thinner than they used to be; they are held tight, even as Xichen's chin drops down, eyes closing. ]

It is not the naysayers that worry me. It is that you do care enough about the opinion of people who need not pronounce themselves on the topic that does. As you overfocused on the public opinion before, and on your father's.

It led you down a dark path. And in the end...

[ Xichen shifts, then raises his hands to take both Meng Yao's wrists from his shoulders, gently but firmly moving him so they are sitting facing each other, rather than being held. ]

I am aware that it may seem discreet to you, the question you asked. But for those in your future, it was anything but.

What you did with that public question was hurt Huaisang and put yourself in danger. There was nothing that you could have learned from that question that you did not already know.

[Too thin. Has he caused this change? Even if it's not all his doing, he knows he hasn't helped. Meng Yao doesn't fight the hold or being re-positioned. He settles on the bench too, his gaze dropping as a fresh wave of guilt tightens its fingers around his throat...and his heart.]

I'm sorry. [His lips barely move and his fingers curl into fists in his lap.] You're right, I know none of it matters. For you, I would relinquish everything. And maybe...

No, it would be good for me. [Closing his eyes, he recalls the days in the brothel with Meng Shi guiding him and instructing him. Be a proper lord. Bow like this... Answer like this...

When his eyes open again, he is smiling sadly.] I am Meng Yao and I am in love with Lan Xichen. That is who I am. That is who I want to be.

[He glances at the other man and the smile fades.]

I fear my friendship with Huaisang will never be repaired. That is what I have earned.

[ That glance might just catch the way Xichen's face has softened at the all-out confession; Xichen shifts his hold so his hands are wrapped around Meng Yao's, for long moment soft and easy and normal as he hums in... acceptance? Agreement. Perhaps that. ]

And we are both in love with da ge.

[ There is no hint of accusation in his voice right now. This is not about that, not this time - more an acceptance ... and confession of his own. But he is too upset to make it properly.

A deep breath, and while the hands holding Meng Yao's (sorry, that tea might end up very cold) don't change their hold, the warmth drains from them and Xichen's chin falls. ]

But making a public message like this is... complicated, not because it is wrong to ask, and not even because of Huaisang, but because making it rather than talking with me reminds me of other times you have done things for the opinion of strangers. Disastrous times. It makes the promises that you will do better sound like a lie.

Are you... ready to hear how much of a disaster?

[Xichen's hands are so strong, capable of crushing his fingers, but they are so gentle that the possibility doesn't occur to him. He has taken this beloved man for granted, reminding him of a time when they were traveling down different roads. But he has no desire to stop walking at Xichen's side - and the urge to hurt anyone hasn't festered in him long enough for him to act on it.]

Yes, we do. [Meng Yao adores Mingjue too and it is that man's death that wakes him in a cold sweat at night.] I pray daily that he returns to us.

[He falls silent and listens, frowning worriedly. There is more...?]

Is this about Jin Ling? [He pales and clutches Xichen's hands.] Or...something else? I want to know. I hurt you. Greatly. I thought your pain was connected to da ge, but it's not, is it.

It is... a little bit about him, but only a little bit.

In your questions, you asked about ... continuing the line. It...

[ Xichen takes another long breath, and his thumbs stroke Meng Yao's knuckles, because he doesn't think this will be easy for him to hear. But he also doesn't think being upset and keeping a secret why would be any use, either. Punishing without the chance to learn why, thus making it impossible to do better... ]

After the Wens were defeated... after you were the one who succeeded in killing Wen Ruohan, Jin Guangshan saw the benefit of recognizing you. He gave you the name of Jin Guangyao.

During the sunshot campaign, you saved a maiden, and she was deeply impressed. After you had position, she bid her father, one of Jin Guangshan's assistant sect leaders, to arrange marriage with Jin Guangyao. It... was not without affection on both sides.

It was not until the eve of the wedding that her mother told Jin Guangyao that... Jin Guangshat had forced himself on her, and the maiden was also Jin Guangshan's daughter. After learning that, Jin Guangyao did not touch her again, [ ... in Xichen's version of reality, at least... ] but - she was already with a child.

His name was Jin Rusong. When he was around five... Jin Guangyao thought that he was developing signs of being too ... slow, as the offspring of a pair of siblings. He arranged for the child's death, and the blaming of it on someone he wished disposed of. So that people would not know.

[ Xichen's voice is quiet, sad, tired. Calm enough, even as he seeks out the right words to express what he thinks. And yes, he is using the different name to make sure Meng Yao can tell Xichen knows those are not choices Meng Yao has made yet.

Then it goes even quieter. ]

Jin Guangyao did not tell me. We were sworn brothers, and instead of confiding in me this heaviness in his heart, he acted to forestall public shame.

Jin Rulan could have lived, secluded in the Cloud Recesses, taken care of, where his parents could have seen him. But no, there was no chance for that, because what strangers thought mattered more.

[ Just like the question earlier. ]

It is... part of the reason why Jin Guangyao raised Jin Ling with such care. His heir, as he would have no other children of his own.

Edited 2021-04-05 05:32 (UTC)

[This... Hearing of da ge's death, of how he drove him mad and beheaded him had been heartbreaking. But this... This is worse. By far. Meng Yao has desired a family of his own, a child of his own, and to know, in the future, he will have both and treat them so abysmally does more than break his heart: it fractures his soul.

He teeters on the bench, just on the edge of fainting before he grips onto Xichen tighter. He uses the other man as an anchor, focusing on his pain instead of the horror and hopelessness he feels.]

Jin...Rusong? [His breath catches on a sob and tears run unchecked down his face, soaking his hair.] My little boy...?

[Forget the title. Forget the fact that he marries his half-sister! His son comes into the world and only lives five years? And all because he can't let go of his fear of being judged? Rising from the bench, he walks a few paces away, shaking with anger and pain.]

I hate him. [His future self.] If I could strangle him...Guangyao... [The name is said bitterly.] I would. I would put him in the ground and pile rocks on top of him!

[He covers his face with his hands, ashamed and broken, crumbling to his knees in the flowers.]

Why do I stray so far from what I've always wanted? I don't understand.

[ Xichen doesn't let go of his hands until Meng Yao tears himself away, then unfolds and follows, slipping off the hoodie to wrap it around the young man's shoulders, his arm staying over it as he crouches next to him. ]

I... don't hate him. I can't. [ He has tried. ] But the love... hurts. All the time. Especially knowing...

Especially knowing that when he died, I had run him through with Shuoyue.

[ There is something dead in his voice, empty. But it also needs to be said. ]

[He can't help turning towards Xichen and embracing the dear man. If he could simply bury himself against his chest and hide from what he knows, he would be tempted.]

You did...what was right. [Meng Yao shudders at the thought of being pierced by that sword. Shuoyue is nearly as coveted by him as Xichen himself. But hadn't he earned it? Oh yes.]

You carry that with you and I'm sorry, Zewu-Jun. [He tips his head back at the dead quality of that voice.] I become a monster. You had to stop me.

[ Xichen does shift to hold him against him, his own tears falling silently for a long moment before he finds words again. ]

Shh.

What was... was. You cannot change it. Just let it sink in, and think on it a little? No changes can happen all at once, but I think - to know what to change, what to avoid, you need to know where small things that are off can lead to much, much bigger ones.

[He tries to wipe away those tears with gentle fingers, but they are as numerous as his own. So instead he rises on his toes to press their foreheads together.]

I will think...hard...on everything. All I know is I want to support you. [Wuxian had been right about that.] Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn't easy.

[ There is a sound which is... a not-laugh that really doesn't suit Xichen at all, but it tears out of him helplessly. Support him... ]

After Jin Guangyao, the one who made the most wrong choices was me. Not out of want for power, or insecurity, but because I thought I knew better. Because I was in fact blind.

The only who were not fooled were da ge, who listened to me, [ because da ge always cared, always, beyond almost anyone else, ] and Huaisang, who kept me in the dark. Because he thought I would choose Jin Guangyao over him - and I can't even say he was wrong, no matter how much I may want to defend myself, or think I would choose the righteous instead.

[ With difficulty, Xichen bites off the flow of useless words. It is not what Meng Yao needs. ]

I am sorry, this...

All I wanted to say is that asking strangers for how you should act - that will not lead to anything good. If you need to ask, ask the people whose opinion matters. Nobody else.

[He rests his hands on Xichen's chest, taking in everything he says - and some of what he doesn't say. Despite his nausea and his disgust over who he becomes, he finds his face heating. Lan Xichen loves him that much? His head ducks and he tucks himself against the other man again.]

How should I act? What do you need from me? I heed only your voice, Xichen.

[The name is whispered intimately, lovingly.]

You are hurting and I want to help. The loyalty you have shown me... I'm honored.

And I'm so sorry I proved myself unworthy of it.

[ Xichen... wants to scream in frustration. With himself, mostly. With everyone thinking so well of him, and he knows he doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve any of it.

But his hold remains gentle, and steady. Screaming is unbecoming. He can't do that. As long as there are eyes on him and he is in possession of his capacities, he will not
show himself less than he should be. Even if the people who know who he should be are so few here.

Anyway... ]

If you are unsure, always choose what you know would make Mingjue-xiong proud of you. I have no better guide than that. You know him almost as well as I do. That should be guide enough.

...yes. [Even if Xichen screams and throws various items at walls, his opinion is the one Meng Yao values most. It isn't about his public image; it's about how much Meng Yao loves him.]

Then... [Mingjue would be selfless about this - and protective. Meng Yao wraps an arm around Xichen's waist and tries to lead him back to the bench.] The tea is cold, Zewu-Jun. I'll have to warm it up.

[Which is easy enough. He uses his spiritual energy for the task, heating the teapot before he pours the brew into a cup.]

Here. Your favorite.

[ Probably not, but Xichen has never, ever been allowed to be anything less than perfectly mannered and polite, since a very, very young age. Proper, according to all the rules of the sect. On days when he is already weak and vulnerable, attempting to break that training is an insurmountable task.

However, the attending from Meng Yao is both soothing and alarming. How many times has he done something like this over the years?

How many times has it meant different things for them...

He almost chokes on the tea, too. Meng Yao has always been this solicitous... had Xichen taken him for granted, too? He never asked for much at all, so all given, he has been grateful but, but but but--

Closing his eyes, he takes a sip, then gently motions towards the rest of it. His voice is steadier, and color begins to return to his lips, even while his thoughts spin and spin in their barbed ways. ]

You as well. Did it ... did it cost too much to get this specific tea...?

[ His fingers reach to touch his ribbon; having it back is good, and it is not as though he wants for so much more. But Meng Yao might want other things, too. ]

[The question surprises him - like Xichen, he doesn't ask for much. He has some robes and his sword; of course he will spend any of his funds on items he can easily share. Since the handsome Lan before him owns his heart, requesting the herbs to make the tea he likes best had been an easy decision.]

No, of course not. I wanted something we could enjoy together.

[He catches the motion and smiles softly. Those ribbons mean so much to the Lan and he is glad Xichen has his again.]

I have everything I need. [Just sitting here, like this, he finds that statement to be entirely true.]

It...

[ Xichen considers the statement, eyes on the younger man. Not hard, if still a little sadder than they used to be. After a moment, he nods. ]

It is peaceful, [ beat, but while it is still teasing rather than as though he is ignoring or misunderstanding, he adds, ] too.

Thank you, Meng Yao.

[His cheeks flare, dark red, and there is a hunger in his eyes that, in the future, turns quite dark. For now, it is innocent - for the most part anyway - and solely directed at Lan Xichen.]

Rest. [He lays a hand on Xichen's arm.] I wish I could gather Little Carrot and Little Radish for you. They are incredibly soft and sweet.

Edited 2021-04-19 06:01 (UTC)

[ Xichen's breath catches. Why... why couldn't things be simple. Why couldn't he and Meng Yao and Mingjue live with their love, rather than betrayal and murder and so, so much blood among them. His heart, barely more than ashes, gives a tired twitch at that look, but that is all it can manage.

Then he breathes out, the hint of teasing fading back down again. ]

I think Wangji needs them more. But thank you.

[He hears that catch and he shifts closer, stubbornly taking hold of Xichen's hand. Meng Yao is young with the weight of his horrible future on his shoulders, but they are alone, together. Wasting the time in regret is just that...a waste.]

I am happy to take their place. I am told my hair is soft.

[Please... Just a tiny smile?]

[ Maybe... not a smile, he's not whole enough for those yet, but Xichen's expression softens after an initial widening of the eyes.

He tilts his head a bit. ]

You need not take anyone's place, or be other than you are, to be enough.

[ The choices Meng Yao makes determine enough for what, but he truly need not stand in place of anyone or anything. Simply being is enough. ]

[Video] Kazoo 16

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cw: incest, infanticide, all around jin guangyao, spoilers for the untamed/mdzs

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