voidtreckernet | Early Kazoo 2

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Early Kazoo 2

[An hour or two after today's morning announcement, the ICPs light up again, this time showing Devero's face. He made himself fairly scarce yesterday-- he had a new toy to play with!!-- so newcomers, you may not have seen him around. (If you had, you'd probably recognize the distinctive device that he wears on his face.) He's wearing it now as he looks earnestly into the ICP camera. From the background, he's obviously in his cabin.]

Hello, folks, a moment of your time, if you please! I promise to be a lot less annoying than Glowstick was last night.

First, for you new passengers, my name's Devero. Unfortunately, that's not what it says on the passenger roster, but please don't try to call me by that string of numbers and letters. That's my ID code, but it's not my name.

Second. [He holds up a compact little brick-looking thing in one hand, showing it for a moment before he takes it and opens it up into a futuristic-looking tablet.] I'm donating this to the library. It's a course to teach yourself sign language-- well, GSL, the sign language where I come from. [He sets down the tablet, steps back far enough from the ICP that he's visible from the waist up, and as he speaks the next part, he signs it too.] We have a few folks on the train who would benefit from more people knowing it, so if you want to learn, come find this in the library. [He stops signing and gets closer to the screen again.]

I'm going to try to be in the library for lessons or anyone who wants to practice on certain days too. I'll put it up on that board in standard when I have a set time nailed down.

Third, in case you hadn't heard: Cassie's hosting a ballroom social tomorrow in the evening. You can ask her for the details; I just wanted to say that after I'm done here I'm going to park myself in the gym for a few hours. You want to brush up on your ballroom, or learn some steps so you can do a turn on the dance floor with your blind date? I've got you covered.

Oh, one last thing. [He turns and reaches out of the picture, then draws his hand back into the frame. Hovering above it is a vaguely loaf-shaped metal thing with a big camera lens in front and a purple ribbon tassel hanging off the antenna on the back.] This is my new Mantiscope. It's a kind of robot pet from my world, and it's completely harmless. [He makes a gesture in the air with his free hand, and the floating loaf extends its neck and its legs, dropping lightly to his palm. It swivels its elongate head and focuses its lens-eye on his face. That little antenna on the back end pivots up and down, making the tassel wave.] It's new, so it should stick by me since I'm its user. If you see it on its own anywhere, will you let me know so I can come collect it? I'd appreciate it.

Okay, that's all I've got. Thanks for your time. I'll head down to the gym shortly, but let me know if you have any questions while I'm still here.

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[She checks out the outfit as he gets it out. It's an interesting one.]

That is convenient. I'm a pretty generic size, so hopefully I can find things that fit pretty easy.

[She has to go back though, out of curiosity. Because he seemed to understand, it's not often that she hears it so clearly.]

Is there something you miss doing?

[He gives his head a shake and chuckles ruefully.] I'm sure you'll have an easier time of it than I do.

[--Aw Entrapta, did you have to? He stalls for a moment by laying the waistcoat down on top of the shirt, lining it up with fiddly precision. His first instinct is to deflect, because very few people on the train fucking get it when he talks about this and he's starting to wonder if he's maybe he's a little crazy or a little fucked up or--

He turns and sits on the bench with a deep sigh.] I miss my network. I miss the rest of my hardwar. I feel like-- an incomplete person here, without access to all of my equipment and software.

You are very tall. Not Siebren tall, but very tall.

[It's not a negative outside of finding wearables. It's just an observation. But that last part she can easily relate to.]

How did it work? What were you able to utilize it for?

[He laughs, soft and brief.] Siebren is statistical outlier here or on any world, and therefore should not be counted when we're talking about finding gear that fits. He must have an even harder time on his world than I do on mine.

[The moment of humor leaves him as quick as it has alighted. He crosses his arms over his knees and leans heavily over them.] Everything? The net is everywhere, and it contains everything. Information feeds-- local, global, news, emergency alert. Entertainment. It connects people from anywhere in the world, lets us share information with the flick of a finger. Learn, explore, collaborate. Keep in touch. Find things out. Store data-- I haven't had access to any of my personal data in weeks!

[He's been growing more animated as the words spill out of him, sitting up now to grab at the air in front of him with both hands.] I keep reaching for it, but nothing's there! My calendars, my communications, my-- my fucking memories, all my photos and saved ID tags and-- and the projects I'd be working on--

[He braces his elbows against his thighs and buries his face in his upraised palms.] I'm missing half my fucking mind without access to the net, and half my fucking body without my exo. I'm just-- I'm just meat, here. I haven't been just meat since I was a damn kid. Forget one hand tied behind my back; I feel like I've had an arm and a leg lopped right off, and there's no prosthetic augments in sight.

[She reaches out with a stretch of hair. She doesn't understand exactly, but she does know how disorienting it is to be without your abilities. It's not happened often, but it's been significant when it has.]

[But her forms of consolation involve fix-its.]

So, I know someone here who can connect to electronic devices. Like she can communicate with them? Maybe with her help we could build a storage unit that would allow you some sort of base connection you could build on.

I know it wouldn't feel exactly the same, but if you have the minds to alleviate discomfort and people willing to put time and energy into making your world better, you should consider it. Friends support each other, and you give so much. It's the least we could do.

It could even help with the drone thing, if you can consistently access information.

[Without even a second glance, Devero reaches up and pats the tendril of hair gratefully. He can recognize comfort being offered even if it's not in a typical way.

He lifts his head, and summons up a smile for her from the reserve of politesse that Madame had so painstakingly inculcated in him. He'd let his emotions get away from him, like they always did, and now he needs to try and clean up his mess.] It's all right. I'm making it out to be a bigger deal than it really is.

[No he's not. This is a very big deal to him.]

I'm working on getting my own little network together here already. I've got my books-- [He nods at an electronics case in his cubby, glowing gently.] --and I've been dumping stuff from my 'Face into my journal for storage. And this little bitlet will help.

[He gestures, and his Mantiscope hovers obligingly over to hang in the air in front of him. He can see it in his network map, just like he can see the title tags for the books, just like he can see a few other signals ranged out along the train-- the book he donated to the library and the one he gave to Yoite are little blips, and there are bigger dots identifying a few other network addresses that he's connected to, no matter how minor or politely constrained the connection.]

I can keep ordering things from home. We don't need to spend any resources unnecessarily on me.

[In another world a man looked at his 'brothers', his clones, and saw one had emotions and was flawed. In another world he threw that man onto the front lines to die, and he tried so hard to bottle up his emotions while simultaneously trying to prove himself worthy of respect.]

[It was never a situation she was in, never one she could relate to. But she's always been blessed with the ability to search for humanity in the inhuman. The harder Devero tries to be inhuman, the better she wants to understand.]

Devero, you're not just a resource for us. You're a friend! I know that can feel like a shallow word, but your complex skillset and knowledgebase is a pleasure to engage with. Even if you gave me nothing more than that, that alone makes you worth my resources. That's a decision you don't get to make for me, short of deciding you don't want to be my friend anymore.

[But the fact the Mantiscope can initiate something, a map, a miniature network, is a wonderful starting point.]

I think it would be really fun to help you. The life you describe sounds amazing.

[As far as Devero is concerned, his skillset and knowledge base are wholly average. But is that such a surprise, when he was surrounded by savants at the very peaks of their fields at home? Dr. Armaceau, the best cybersurgeon in the world; Dr. Adís and her programmer Ioleya, routinely designing augmentation tech on a whole new level of sophistication; Morrigan, the Master-level mechanical engineer who'd taken him under their wing-- and of course there was Administrator Valdana, the visionary who brought all these geniuses together and made sure they had the resources they needed to produce their top-tier work.

Who was he? what could he do? A disgraced ex-soldier who could pilot an exo, and a hobbyist tinker. Real impressive.

Between the fact that he comes from a culture where everyone is offered an exceptionally high level of education, and his ~~carefully cultivated~~ self-esteem issues, is it any wonder he thinks of himself as a nobody?

But this isn't the first time Entrapta's insisted otherwise. And she wouldn't keep saying things like this about him if she didn't mean it, right? He forces himself to look up, his eyes searching her face for any sign of the cruel guile that he'd on his world learned to expect when being paid compliments of this kind.

His voice is... small, when he speaks. Fragile.] It's an honor to be your friend. To get to work on things with you. I think you're amazing. Absolutely brilliant.

[And maybe... maybe if someone so amazing thinks he's worth her resources, that means something? Something he can trust?]

Thank you. For wanting to help me with-- with this.

[To her it seems glaringly obvious. To him, his abilities at home are limited but here? Here he brings so much to the table! Also he possesses something those other people might not (though she's never heard of them). Flexibility, which is as utterly essential as raw knowledge in a place like this.]

Devero, I know it might seem like blind faith when I say these things. But it's purely logical. But maybe there's another reason you should start letting people believe in you and you should start seeing your own abilities.

I don't want you to give up on an idea! And sometimes when you're in pain, you want to give up. All these wonderful things you could help make would be lost!

You should let us help you. [And she's guessing that he needs more than his own personal network.] Not just for yourself, but for everything you don't let yourself know you can do! Which is a lot more than you would expect.

[What she's saying speaks so, so truly to the fundamental philosophies of his society that her words strike deeply home. Where he comes from, it's intrinsically understood that keeping people happy and engaged in their communities is an absolute requirement for those people to be able to live up to their fullest potential. Only a comfortable, secure citizenry will be able to bring out the best in themselves and in each other.

Here on the train, he has felt neither comfortable nor secure. That doesn't mean he hasn't been happy-- he's been happier in the past several weeks than he's felt in years at home-- but so many of the social niceties and support systems that he took for granted are gone, and he feels their absence keenly.

The way Entrapta's talking gives him some hope that maybe, maybe he could get some of that back.]

You're right. [His voice is thick when he says it; he swallows hard.] All I want-- all I've ever wanted-- is to do my part.

I... I like it here. I like the people we're stuck on here with. I like the work we do. I want to be able to contribute, to really... really make a difference, you know? [He scrubs the back of a hand across his eyes; it comes away wet.]

...But to do that, I. Need to be my best self, don't I?

You know, I'm not really good with emotions, but I can't help notice that you keep saying things that suggest you're not good enough. You don't have to be your best self. Just let us help you be pretty good!

And I love the people I've met here. They all come from such varied and interesting worlds- some harder than the others. But there's aliens! There's robots! There's other scientists that are adept with magic! I love it! It's great.

But that's another good thing. This is so unlike your home, even if we can emulate it a little bit it'll have a lot of stuff that's new. You can keep as much good as you want and build off the resources you find! Replace the bad with easily superior! It's so limitless.

[She's actually stood up at some point during all of this, and sounds more like she's planning to take over the entire world than just giving Devero a pep talk. But it is, honestly, meant to be supportive.]

I'm not good enough. I never have been. [He actually smiles as he says it, wan and bitter, so certain about that fact.

But that's okay. He's used to it. And her pep talk is inspiring, despite the depth and solidity of his self-loathing. At least here he has new opportunities to live up to the potential he squandered back home. He perks up as she talks and sounds a more like himself when he next speaks.] This place is incredible. It's nothing like where I come from, but-- that's all right. I've learned so much since I first boarded, and you're right; there's so much to build off of.

[She calms down from her *moment*, settling in again.]

Are you someone who's not good enough? Or someone that needs help? Because everyone needs help. No matter how they try to present themselves, everyone does.

Devero, you need help! That's okay. I need it, too. Do you know how many times I've blown things up in my face?! It's where most of my friends here have come from. That's how I know you're good enough.

[Automatically, he opens his mouth to protest that he doesn't need help. How could he? He'd been brought up in a society that offered him countless opportunities to learn and do amazing things! A society that's meant to support and succor its people; to ensure they want for nothing so that they can reach their full, unlimited potential.

A society full of resources that do a person no good if they can't see that they need them, or refuse to take advantage.

He's only just barely starting to comprehend the ways that the government he esteems so greatly failed him, but fail him it did. It scares him to have to confront the reality of what happened to him, even in the privacy of his own mind: that a person he trusted, admired, loved abused and hurt him because she could. Not because he was a disappointment or a failure, not because he deserved it, not because he was lacked discipline or self-control-- because she could, and because she wanted to.

He wraps his arms around himself and bows his head and takes a deep breath and says it while he has the nerve:] I need your help. I do. You're right.

[She takes a look over at the cute robots still playing, and then at Dev curled in on himself.]

[She moves closer to him, lifting her pigtails and knitting them into a comfortable little hair fort that she puts around him, giving them a moment of privacy and a moment for Devero to feel shielded from what she can tell are painful memories. No clue what they are, but they do hurt him.]

What else do you need? Besides a mini-network? I can tell there's a lot more. No one would be this hard on themselves if they weren't exposed to something bad for a long time. I have a friend, her caretaker [she won't call Shadow Weaver a mother] constantly made her feel inferior to her best friend. It broke her. It made her a bad person.

I don't think you're bad but I think whoever did this to you broke you in a different way. I can help.

[That's exactly what she did to him, isn't it? She broke him. Stated so plainly, he really can't deny it; stated so plainly, it overwhelms him.

Inside the shield of Entrapta's hair, Devero buries his face in his hands and hides his hands against his knees, as if he's trying to huddle down into nothing. That's easier said than done when a fellow is a slab of beef, but he tries regardless.]

Valdana. [He says it quietly, an almost inaudible whisper.] Her name is Valdana. She-- she--

[Say it, Devero. Confront it.]

She's the one who-- who-- [His throat closes with fear and despair but he chokes it out anyway.] --broke me.

Who was she?

[Devero hasn't had much to say about her, and if it was that bad she can't blame him. While some people liken being broken to ceramics you can fix with gold and make stronger, some people are like broken machines you need to refurbish. They function, they work, but they're still going to need to be maintained.]

[Devero is a sturdy machine, not ceramic reinforced with gold.]

Until about six weeks ago... [Entrapta knows him well enough by now to know that's how long he's been on the train.] ...she was my entire world.

[Curled up in this tiny private place, the words start to spill out of him, his voice low but fervent nonetheless.]

She's the Administrator of my community, Techstead. She's my boss. She's everyone's boss. She's the visionary who gave all of us hiteks-- us real hiteks-- a place to work and collaborate and push the boundaries of what we can achieve with our hardware and our software selves.

She's the woman who-- who put me back in an exo after my discharge. She gave me Babysitter-- [He falters there for a moment. He doesn't know when-- or if-- he'll ever get back home, but if he does he knows things won't go back to the way they were with Valdana-- and for the first time it occurs to him that he'll lose Babysitter. The exo is his, but at the same time, it's not. It's Gov's property, entrusted to Techstead, entrusted to him.

Rust and ruin, if he has to leave Techstead-- he'll have to leave Techstead, he won't be able to stay, he won't be able to stand it--

He'll have to leave that part of himself behind. He looks up from his hands, horror-struck.] ...I'm never going to get in Babysitter again.

You mentioned exos on the mission, didn't you? What was Babysitter?

[She knows she's going to be full of questions. Which can be irritating, when the other person is overflowing with emotion. And Devero is, keeping it all bottled in.]

[It's only been six weeks. People can hurt for years. Maybe he doesn't know it's okay if it takes time? She really hopes they can make it so they don't have to go home.]

My exo. Back home. We-- Techstead does a lot of work with the wetware/hardware interface, and a lot of that is exo stuff for Gov. Babysitter's our main test machine. It's completely one of a kind, and I installed most of its upgrades myself. I know it inside and out, and it knows me. It's-- it's a part of me, I don't know if I can-- no one here understands--

[He falls silent, overwhelmed, and buries his face in his hands again. A wretched sob escapes him, muffled.]

....Can you ask for its interface? Can you take away what would let them have it working?

[Her immediate thought is to just take it away, request it and pay for it as an item and not let them have it. Whatever Devero did to make it unique, whether it was parts or chips, taken for himself.]

[It's almost miserable how Sandra comes up and offers Devero one of his own socks to cry with, but Entrapta waves her away.]

[He shakes his head without raising it.] Whole cockpit is part of the interface. There's contact points everywhere.

[...But there's something he could take. Now he lifts his face, actually managing to meet her eyes.] I could ask for the processor core. That's-- that's Babysitter's brain, that's the part that knows me.

It's something special to you, so I don't think the train would deprive you of ordering it. Either it would specific enough to keep Babysitter in the hands of someone who cares, or it would give you a back-up so you could be sure that it knows you when you need it.

[She's a very fixit approach to grief. And this is grief. Pain. But there's also a strategic element; Dev needs a win. He needs a real win, even if it's just a processor core.]

Entrapta, you're brilliant. [He manages a smile, though it's only faint and fleeting.] Next platform, I'll put in the order.

I know there's a lot more than that.

[It's obvious that Devero's made to feel mediocre when he's anything but. Just some kind of useful tool for the people that mistakenly see themselves as brilliant.]

But having something that's all yours is important. You're allowed to want a better life for yourself.

Edited 2021-04-16 02:32 (UTC)

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subcircuits - 2021-04-17 02:43 (UTC) - Expand

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Early Kazoo 2

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cw abuse trauma

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cw remembered abuse

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abuse trauma cw's just going to continue from here

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