She listened, shaking. And shook her head no at his final question. But rather than defending her own point of veiw directly she did her best to put her shoulders straight and look him in the eyes.
"I don't want my friends to die either," she said, her voice trembling. "But if I had found a way to.. to save Kigi," she swallowed hard, "from the burden that...that killed her..." another hard swallow. She was doing her best. "If I had found some way to let the Dark Lord free sooner, so she would have survived... a lot of people would have died. Even more would have been badly hurt. Everything good anyone had ever done to try and save Rakkan would have been undone. And Kigi..."
Another hard swallow.
"Kigi never would have forgiven me. Or herself. Everyone Kigi ever loved gave themselves to the seal that kept the Dark Lord trapped until the Mistrals could come. If I had forced her not to help... she would have been betraying everyone she ever loved, every ideal she lived with. Kigi might have survived but..." she fumbled, unable to figure out how to express the end of the thought.
"But she wouldn't have been Kigi anymore," Goligan finished for her.
Najaran nodded, tears in her eyes.
"I... I don't want to die," Najaran said in a small trembling voice. "I don't like being hurt. I'm scared... a lot.... since coming here. Since leaving Gilman Isle." Another hard swallow. "But the first time we faced the World Eaters..." she felt like she was going to shake apart. "The Train... The Train forced us to evacuate. No warning, no time, no choice. The Train chose to save us rather than to let us try to save them. Everyone keeps telling me that it was because the Train couldn't bear to lose us that way..."
She started pacing now, hugging her arms to try and control the shaking as tears fell.
"I do not think the Train is bad... but..." she swallowed hard and looked him in the eyes again. "I have never forgiven the Train for that," she whispered. "And I've never forgiven myself. I..." she didn't even feel like herself anymore since then. Somedays she felt like someone hollowed her out like a melon for carving. She turned on her heel and ran. She couldn't be there any more couldn't be still anymore... but...
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"I don't want my friends to die either," she said, her voice trembling. "But if I had found a way to.. to save Kigi," she swallowed hard, "from the burden that...that killed her..." another hard swallow. She was doing her best. "If I had found some way to let the Dark Lord free sooner, so she would have survived... a lot of people would have died. Even more would have been badly hurt. Everything good anyone had ever done to try and save Rakkan would have been undone. And Kigi..."
Another hard swallow.
"Kigi never would have forgiven me. Or herself. Everyone Kigi ever loved gave themselves to the seal that kept the Dark Lord trapped until the Mistrals could come. If I had forced her not to help... she would have been betraying everyone she ever loved, every ideal she lived with. Kigi might have survived but..." she fumbled, unable to figure out how to express the end of the thought.
"But she wouldn't have been Kigi anymore," Goligan finished for her.
Najaran nodded, tears in her eyes.
"I... I don't want to die," Najaran said in a small trembling voice. "I don't like being hurt. I'm scared... a lot.... since coming here. Since leaving Gilman Isle." Another hard swallow. "But the first time we faced the World Eaters..." she felt like she was going to shake apart. "The Train... The Train forced us to evacuate. No warning, no time, no choice. The Train chose to save us rather than to let us try to save them. Everyone keeps telling me that it was because the Train couldn't bear to lose us that way..."
She started pacing now, hugging her arms to try and control the shaking as tears fell.
"I do not think the Train is bad... but..." she swallowed hard and looked him in the eyes again. "I have never forgiven the Train for that," she whispered. "And I've never forgiven myself. I..." she didn't even feel like herself anymore since then. Somedays she felt like someone hollowed her out like a melon for carving. She turned on her heel and ran. She couldn't be there any more couldn't be still anymore... but...
There was nowhere to run to.