Poi 5

[yondu]

[As a mission should be coming up, he should say something about this. Or at least put this out there so that if something happens to him there'll still be people willing to leave and keep this information. Have people know that they're not lost yet.]

This is Yondu Udonta with Blue Team. I know this whole tetherin' information threw us for a loop. And it's hard for us to pull our heads together right now. But soon we'll have a mission and for the most part I figure when some of y'all have a focus it'll help. For others it might be a little harder.

I asked the train if the original crew had any abilities like ours, and she said no. I asked her if I'd be correct in assumin' that it was significant that we got a history of changin' worlds. Buildin' 'em, destroyin' 'em, savin' 'em. She said yeah. We got experience and skills and resourcefulness that don't just extend to savin' worlds but I would wager would extend to savin' ourselves. But sometimes even people with as many credentials as we got gotta reach out for help.

I cain't offer much help in the way of the short term sense but I can say thinkin' long term, if people pitch in and keep searchin' for a solution then we'll all end up figurin' somethin' out. Even the people we seen wander off already will end whole and livin' the way they need to be. And if we end up walkin' off into the fog, the inertia from what gets started'll carry us and whoever comes after can finish what we started. And if the Ministry ends up fuckin' us over, then I believe the lot of us got the skills to do it our damn selves if we need to. [Even if that takes longer.] We got time travellers. People that can make whole ass bodies. People that can raise the dead or find items that'll do it for 'em. People that can heal situationally unfortunate individuals back from nigh on the worst-case scenario.

Sayin' this now 'cause I don't want anyone goin' out an' fightin' with an empty heart. At the very least ya need a real solid possibility of gettin' what you want in mind. Because more'n likely there'll be a fight durin' this mission.

I told Anan we'd leave 'em information on who was tethered and who was gone. So if you got a spare moment before next platform? [Which this train can have a hell of a lot of downtime so quite possibly.] If you left and came back, if you've flickered out and came back. If you've witnessed someone leave, write it out, put it in somethin' weatherproof, leave it on the platform where the Ministry can find it when they come through to the liminal stations. We can keep a copy of it here for own minds. Just don't let it hold ya back when somethin's comin' at ya. Know you can still do somethin'.

Comments

[yondu]

Devero, no. I don't wanna be told this. I wanna be able to accept what I am. If I can do that, I won't- I'll just be happy for ya. I won't be hopin' or some shit. I can just be happy for ya, and be okay with me.

I got shit in common with Koumyou? We're a lot alike... but I ain't him. I ain't Vegeta. I ain't Crowley. I ain't Vexen.

[He's just himself. And he thumps himself on the chest to emphasize that.] I know what I am. And it's somethin' not made for... whatever it is that makes y'all happen. Hell, this weren't even in my head when I was back in my world. I just gotta kick it back out from where it don't belong.

[He tries to not think about how it was a little like back when he was a slave; there were a lot of things he didn't know he could have back then, and had given up on, and it was just easier. He desperately wanted to give up on this.]

[subcircuits]

What you are? [Devero doesn't like that, and frowns at him.] What you are is a person, Yondu, as brilliant as any of the rest of us, with needs and desires as complex as any of the rest of ours, just as valid as all the rest of ours.

If "this" weren't in your head where you came from, maybe it wasn't safe for you to seek it there and your heart knew that. Suddenly wanting to find that kind of connection like Vegeta has, like Koumyou and I have means your heart has realized that here, it might not be as dangerous to open yourself to someone.

Just, your whole life you've had to be hard, so you could protect that part of you that wants to be loving from being hurt. [Just like Koumyou.] So even if your heart wants to reach out, your head is scared. [Just like Koumyou.]

Maybe for now, your head is louder than your heart. Maybe it always will be. And that's okay. It's okay to be scared of being hurt, because it fucking sucks. And you've been hurt a lot in your life, mate.

But I hope you can... can at least forgive your heart-- forgive yourself-- for yearning for that kind of connection.



[...Where the fuck did all of that come from?]

[yondu]

[He's not wrong about needing to forgive himself for just wanting something but, also it makes Yondu mad. It's because it's Devero that he doesn't snap at him, that he won't do Koumyou the injustice of yelling at his future husband after he just asked a major favor of him. Though really, what would he even holler about? What part of it would even make sense after all that because some of it's definitely right and he was speaking from the heart.]

[Cause he can't forgive himself for wanting things.]

[But Yondu did ask a major favor him, and he did actually bother to say what the problem was and he shouldn't have. He shouldn't have said a damn word. He should have swallowed his pride and went to the wedding, maybe cut his hand on a broken glass and had to excuse himself urgently or something. He got in the bad habit of speaking too much recently.]

[He counts internally, rather than getting angry. Doesn't act a fool, and goddamn isn't that a challenge. Finds some way to put it his inability to handle it.]

I'm someone that values the notches on his belt, that's what I am. [But without the vicious undertones of those words, he adds.] ...And I'm pretty decent at takin' care of people in the non-romantic way. That needs to be enough.

Let it be, Devero. Sometimes you just gotta let it be. [He starts to get up then, not especially wanting to talk about his fears of having that hole in him tore wider and wider.]

[subcircuits]

All right. [Devero's voice is very soft. It makes his heart hurt to leave this wound untreated in his friend, but he's aware that he's pushed hard enough for today. He can let it be.

He does reach out to catch Yondu's arm as the other man stands, but only to squeeze it briefly.] Thanks for hearing me out. And don't worry about the wedding; I'll cover for you with Koumyou.

[yondu]

[Who knows if that wound in him will ever heal. Likely the next time he develops feelings he's going to react like a man expecting to be struck.]

[The saddest part about all of this is, because for all the reasons that Devero just said, he wants this to work out for Koumyou and he doesn't want those doubts in his head. So he's keen enough to realize that Devero is right on many of those points but he can only direct it towards his friend.]

Yeah. He deserves a good time and I know you'll make that happen.

[It's then that he excuses himself, though, because he knows he can't trust himself to not say something that'd make him sound weak.]