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yondu udonta [ou]

Poi 5

[As a mission should be coming up, he should say something about this. Or at least put this out there so that if something happens to him there'll still be people willing to leave and keep this information. Have people know that they're not lost yet.]

This is Yondu Udonta with Blue Team. I know this whole tetherin' information threw us for a loop. And it's hard for us to pull our heads together right now. But soon we'll have a mission and for the most part I figure when some of y'all have a focus it'll help. For others it might be a little harder.

I asked the train if the original crew had any abilities like ours, and she said no. I asked her if I'd be correct in assumin' that it was significant that we got a history of changin' worlds. Buildin' 'em, destroyin' 'em, savin' 'em. She said yeah. We got experience and skills and resourcefulness that don't just extend to savin' worlds but I would wager would extend to savin' ourselves. But sometimes even people with as many credentials as we got gotta reach out for help.

I cain't offer much help in the way of the short term sense but I can say thinkin' long term, if people pitch in and keep searchin' for a solution then we'll all end up figurin' somethin' out. Even the people we seen wander off already will end whole and livin' the way they need to be. And if we end up walkin' off into the fog, the inertia from what gets started'll carry us and whoever comes after can finish what we started. And if the Ministry ends up fuckin' us over, then I believe the lot of us got the skills to do it our damn selves if we need to. [Even if that takes longer.] We got time travellers. People that can make whole ass bodies. People that can raise the dead or find items that'll do it for 'em. People that can heal situationally unfortunate individuals back from nigh on the worst-case scenario.

Sayin' this now 'cause I don't want anyone goin' out an' fightin' with an empty heart. At the very least ya need a real solid possibility of gettin' what you want in mind. Because more'n likely there'll be a fight durin' this mission.

I told Anan we'd leave 'em information on who was tethered and who was gone. So if you got a spare moment before next platform? [Which this train can have a hell of a lot of downtime so quite possibly.] If you left and came back, if you've flickered out and came back. If you've witnessed someone leave, write it out, put it in somethin' weatherproof, leave it on the platform where the Ministry can find it when they come through to the liminal stations. We can keep a copy of it here for own minds. Just don't let it hold ya back when somethin's comin' at ya. Know you can still do somethin'.

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Bingo. [Did he just shoot a finger-gun at Yondu? Devero, please.]

As long as we document and share our progress. [He's suddenly frowning a little as he says that.] As long as no one leaves taking what they know with them. That's the key.

Yeah, it's real important. I kept too much to myself early on 'cause I weren't open to trustin' people. If I'd left the clues out in the open, people woulda noticed that #392 was the ones responsible for the fake station. They coulda talked to 'em on their level rather than get talked down to.

Cain't let that happen again.

It won't. We'll make sure it won't.

Do we have any records from before that you know of? Death records that is?

I don't. Might be something on that computer in Standard already, though. Or we could ask Seto or Senku-- if we do and anyone knows about it, it'd probably be one of those two.

I do know Senku's been workin' the hardest on the SCA stuff, so he's gotta have some notes. I'll bring it up with 'em both.

You busy? I kinda wanted to talk to ya about somethin'. Somethin' that weren't this.

If I catch them before you do, I'll let you know.

Oh? I'm free-- I'm guessing you want to meet up somewhere?

I'll step over to your room or somethin'. It ain't far.

[And he just goes, then, whether Devero's there or not. He doesn't want Soldat to walk in on the discussion because he knows there's an odd awkardness there. Not that they don't have a good relationship, but he knows that Soldat's been approached and they've been treated as if they're a couple, and they're definitely not.]

[He knocks on the door and waits. Figures if Dev isn't there, he'll be there soon. He kind of hopes Koumyou isn't because he doesn't want him to know his issues. After all, he's taking such a damn leap of faith to accept a relationship, to suddenly have your best friend want minimal involvement in the celebration of it? Kinda would be a blow.]

[But Devero? Devero might be safer to talk to.]

Edited 2022-01-26 21:04 (UTC)

I'll be along shortly, then. [Devero flicks his fingers from temple towards the camera and logs off.

He's been in the machine shop, but with the transgates, it's not long at all before he's walking up to Yondu with a wave.] Hey, mate. Let me let us in.

Edited 2022-01-26 21:10 (UTC)

Lemme get outa your way. [He moves aside, giving Devero whatever time he needs to get the door open, to politely enter rather than just jam himself into their room (though he's kind of tempted to, considering the conversation).]

So uh... A while back, you remember me wantin' to leave a message for Siebren? [One where he'd essentially admitted that he was, at the very least, attracted to him.]

[Surely Devero had noticed Siebren had gone on the platform.]

[Yondu fumbles about where to take it from there. But he tries, despite the fact that it's humiliating. That it's pathetic. He doesn't want to talk about it but for his own good? He needs to. Just so he doesn't torture himself while trying not to hurt a friend.] He never noticed anything of the like in me, you know. Not once. And Soldat... now I never had a thing for 'im, but he had to make it clear before we moved in together that he wasn't interested in nothin'. Which was fine, somethin' we both knew so it didn't bother me all that much at the time.

But then I met that Tobirama guy. His sister-in-law tried to help fix us up and uh... he pushed back real hard. Made it real damn clear he wasn't interested in nothin'. Then went with me on what I assume was a pity date. [At least that's what he thought it was. He at least appreciated that some time was spent on him.] Which... well, at least I can say I've been on one date in my life. But I knew nothin' more was comin' of it.

Short version is... Look, I'm happy for you and Koumyou. I'll be there for ya. But I'd just like to be there for the ceremonial bits and helpin' you set it up. Otherwise I'm gonna sit there feelin' like a damn joke. I know it ain't about me, but every time I see people like me findin' their other half and knowin' I ain't ever gonna do that?

[He lets that linger. He knows it's selfish, and he knows he should suck it up and show. But is a reception really that important?]

Edited 2022-01-26 21:48 (UTC)

[Yeah, he remembers that. And yeah, he'd noticed Siebren among the disembarking, watching him disappear through the barriers with a heavy heart.

He listens from his seat on the edge of their bunk, perched up by the pillows. He's left plenty of room for Yondu to sit as well and not be crowded, if he wants; wherever Yondu is in the little room, Devero watches him with intent solemnity.

He's not sure at first where Yondu's going with this, but by the time the Centuarian finishes, Devero's heart-- well, it breaks a little bit for his friend. He tries not to let it show on his face, though. He knows better now just how skittish an old tom Yondu is.

First things first: he get up and opens one of the little storage cubbies, removing a bottle partially filled with clear liquid. He swishes it a little.] Drink? You sound like you need one.

[If he accepts, he gets the bottle of train-issue vodka handed to him directly with a sheepish explanation that the cups are all in Koumyou's ARMS band. If he doesn't, Devero's going to swig from the bottle himself before he continues.]

Brother, I don't want you staying there a second longer than you feel you can, especially if it's going to upset you. However you're there, however you're involved, anything will be enough for us. Don't worry about that part, all right?

[He doesn't turn it down, certainly. He does sit, reaching to take the bottle.] Thank ya. I know this's been rough on Koumyou. Makin' that kinda commitment with that kinda fear. I don't wanna be the guy that takes away from it. [He'll just make up an excuse to see himself out and if Dev is on board? It shouldn't be a problem.]

I can't help that I keep fallin' for people what can't really get feel that way about much of anyone. Or already had a name I didn't see tattooed on 'em. [Stakar had been taken. Siebren had just been with better. And he never really fell for Soldat, they weren't like that. But he was the closest Yondu had to anything commital ever.]

And they can't help how they feel. It's like askin' fur to grow in the wrong way. Not gonna happen. [And he doesn't exactly get how it works, considering that he's a guy that experiences attraction, and a lot of it. But he can at least respect the boundaries put down in front of him.]

[He returns the bottle after a swig.]

Yeah. [As usual, invocation of Koumyou makes Devero's expression soften. Koumyou's bravery in facing his fear-- for Devero, of all people!-- is probably never going to stop amazing him.

But right now isn't about his and Koumyou's miraculous happiness, it's about Yondu's pain. He sits again, back on the other end of the bed, bracing his elbows on his knees and leaning towards Yondu as he speaks.

He sits up to swig from the bottle after accepting it from Yondu, then leans back on one arm with a soft sigh.]

You're right. They can't help how they feel. If they're not interested.... [He shrugs with one shoulder.] It's hard, to have feelings for someone that aren't reciprocated. Fucking hurts. Vices know I've had my share of unreciprocated attractions, so I get it. [With how generously this man loves, he might really get it.]

But mate-- it's not an all or nothing thing. You've had a string of real shitty luck, but that doesn't mean you're never going to find someone to love you back the way you want.

[It super worries Devero that he's thinking with that kind of absolutism.]

Look, I don't want to wait for someone what probably don't exist. [There's not enough time, he doesn't think. He's scraping at borrowed months. He's trying to save the kids on this train, help his friends find a new life wherever they want. He's got to accept that he's best in someone's heart as a mentor and a father if he's lucky. He knows what he is, and for all the negative implications that train of thought carries, it also does have the positives that he's good for some people.]

[It's just affection in the most earnestly of platonic ways.]

Besides, I've been the guy that other people wanted and didn't feel it back. Usually they looked at me and all they saw was some kinda horny violent criminal... and they weren't wrong really, I'm just other stuff that they didn't seem to account for.

[And if someone wanted him for being a violent fighter, he wanted them to also equally want him for his dedication to his kids or sense of humor or his stupid little figurines.]

[Yondu's continued insistence that a partner for him doesn't exist makes Devero frown, and he hits his bottle again so he doesn't say something rash about it. He definitely doesn't agree, though, and his expression probably makes that clear.

He offers that bottle back out to Yondu.]

Then they probably didn't want you, they just wanted the experience. That thrill. [Boy, he says that with a growl to it, doesn't he? He huffs, swiping his lips with the back of a hand.] I've got some experience with that.

[And there's not even anything wrong with it, as long as everyone involved is honest with themselves and each other about what they want and what they're getting. But they're not talking about an exciting roll in the hay, here. They're talking about real partnership.]

I'm not saying you should wait for anyone, I just. Don't think you should write yourself off, that's all. You think Koumyou ever thought someone for him existed? But here I am. Took a rogue trans-dimensional voidcraft to bring us together, but it happened.

[He leans over to sock Yondu in the shoulder.] Could still happen for you too, Yondu. Don't give up.

Devero, no. I don't wanna be told this. I wanna be able to accept what I am. If I can do that, I won't- I'll just be happy for ya. I won't be hopin' or some shit. I can just be happy for ya, and be okay with me.

I got shit in common with Koumyou? We're a lot alike... but I ain't him. I ain't Vegeta. I ain't Crowley. I ain't Vexen.

[He's just himself. And he thumps himself on the chest to emphasize that.] I know what I am. And it's somethin' not made for... whatever it is that makes y'all happen. Hell, this weren't even in my head when I was back in my world. I just gotta kick it back out from where it don't belong.

[He tries to not think about how it was a little like back when he was a slave; there were a lot of things he didn't know he could have back then, and had given up on, and it was just easier. He desperately wanted to give up on this.]

What you are? [Devero doesn't like that, and frowns at him.] What you are is a person, Yondu, as brilliant as any of the rest of us, with needs and desires as complex as any of the rest of ours, just as valid as all the rest of ours.

If "this" weren't in your head where you came from, maybe it wasn't safe for you to seek it there and your heart knew that. Suddenly wanting to find that kind of connection like Vegeta has, like Koumyou and I have means your heart has realized that here, it might not be as dangerous to open yourself to someone.

Just, your whole life you've had to be hard, so you could protect that part of you that wants to be loving from being hurt. [Just like Koumyou.] So even if your heart wants to reach out, your head is scared. [Just like Koumyou.]

Maybe for now, your head is louder than your heart. Maybe it always will be. And that's okay. It's okay to be scared of being hurt, because it fucking sucks. And you've been hurt a lot in your life, mate.

But I hope you can... can at least forgive your heart-- forgive yourself-- for yearning for that kind of connection.

[...Where the fuck did all of that come from?]

[He's not wrong about needing to forgive himself for just wanting something but, also it makes Yondu mad. It's because it's Devero that he doesn't snap at him, that he won't do Koumyou the injustice of yelling at his future husband after he just asked a major favor of him. Though really, what would he even holler about? What part of it would even make sense after all that because some of it's definitely right and he was speaking from the heart.]

[Cause he can't forgive himself for wanting things.]

[But Yondu did ask a major favor him, and he did actually bother to say what the problem was and he shouldn't have. He shouldn't have said a damn word. He should have swallowed his pride and went to the wedding, maybe cut his hand on a broken glass and had to excuse himself urgently or something. He got in the bad habit of speaking too much recently.]

[He counts internally, rather than getting angry. Doesn't act a fool, and goddamn isn't that a challenge. Finds some way to put it his inability to handle it.]

I'm someone that values the notches on his belt, that's what I am. [But without the vicious undertones of those words, he adds.] ...And I'm pretty decent at takin' care of people in the non-romantic way. That needs to be enough.

Let it be, Devero. Sometimes you just gotta let it be. [He starts to get up then, not especially wanting to talk about his fears of having that hole in him tore wider and wider.]

All right. [Devero's voice is very soft. It makes his heart hurt to leave this wound untreated in his friend, but he's aware that he's pushed hard enough for today. He can let it be.

He does reach out to catch Yondu's arm as the other man stands, but only to squeeze it briefly.] Thanks for hearing me out. And don't worry about the wedding; I'll cover for you with Koumyou.

Edited 2022-02-08 02:29 (UTC)

[Who knows if that wound in him will ever heal. Likely the next time he develops feelings he's going to react like a man expecting to be struck.]

[The saddest part about all of this is, because for all the reasons that Devero just said, he wants this to work out for Koumyou and he doesn't want those doubts in his head. So he's keen enough to realize that Devero is right on many of those points but he can only direct it towards his friend.]

Yeah. He deserves a good time and I know you'll make that happen.

[It's then that he excuses himself, though, because he knows he can't trust himself to not say something that'd make him sound weak.]

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Poi 5

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